Bringing Home His Dragon: doubt

We had a pretty low key day. We didn't want to get out in the crowds so we decided to make it a day at the hotel. We took the boys swimming. QiLong said it was his first time and he loved it. He is a brave little stinker, but figured out quickly what he liked and didn't like about the pool. He did great and was a natural swimmer. I'm so excited about that because I know swimming will be a great activity for him and his muscles.

The pool was on the roof of the hotel! So cool!

My three fishies!

First time in!

He loved it from the very beginning.

Keeping up with all three in the pool was hard work!

They were all three jumping in before long.

Mom and Dad only lasted about an hour, and these are the faces of two little ones who did not want to leave.

We had lunch at a restaurant near our hotel and came back for naptime. We had hoped they would go to sleep easily with all of the swimming, but it wasn't so easy.

Silas is beginning to really test his boundaries to figure out if we are going to stay or if we are going to go. He is actually really well behaved and listens very well. Except for certain times when most likely there is something bothering him and he just doesn't quite know how to communicate it to us yet. Unfortunately, we ended up having to let him throw his tantrum until he fell asleep on his own. We pulled out all the tools that we had used before to try to get him to calm down enough to talk to us so we could ask him questions. But nothing was working today, so we laid down with him and said you can cry if you want to, but we are all going to lay down together. We stayed right there with him until he finally drifted off. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. We've read all the books and we have been expecting moments like this, but when they happen, it's still just hard.

It's easy in these situations to want to label our moments as successes or failures. And it's easy to doubt yourself and to doubt the child. It's sometimes even easy to sit and wonder, what have we done? Or even, I don't know if I can do this!

But through it all I am reminded of my relationship with God and how many times I have kicked and screamed and dug my heels in when he is lovingly telling me to do something I don't want to do. In that moment, I have to envision my life before my loving Father and ask myself "How would he treat me in this moment?" I have had toddlers throw tantrums before. This is nothing new. And as easy as it is to become frustration in a situation like that, the most important thing I can teach any of my children who are having a hard moment is love.

Unconditional love.

No matter what. I will.be.here.

"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.'" Hebrews 13:5-6

At the end of the day, if I can look back and say that I showed Silas and Stephen and Sean unconditional love, then I can call my day a success. The moments that create the day will change day by day, but the message I want them to hear loud and clear is "I love you, no matter what."

Once we finally got the little boys to sleep, Stephen and I went for a walk to the store. Oh my big, brave, sacrificing and selfless first born. He doesn't always want to consider other before himself, but this week especially, he has displayed wisdom beyond his years. He has been there with us through the crying, helping his youngest brother when Mom and Dad have to be hands on with the new brother. He has been patient, he has been kind and he has been so.grown.up. Oh my tears.

We wouldn't be here without him.

I love him so.

And then there is this little one. He has my whole heart. Every inch of it. He just squishes it in his hands and gives it back to me in a mushy pile and says "i yuv you mommy."

I had to go to the bank before we could order dinner. Because #1, see Day 4 if you need a reminder of how many people there are out this weekend and #2 we discovered this AMAZING delivery company that will bring you food from pretty much anywhere that you want. So I took little S out for a walk to the bank.

I haven't always done the best job of this with Stephen when Sean came along, but now that we have three I see it as all the more vitally important to spend special one on one time with each child. They all so desperately need to know that they are special, so important and so loved for who they are as individuals.

Even a two year old.

Especially a two year old that has had his role of center of our lives taken away overnight. He has been a rockstar. He loves his new brother something crazy and he looks up to him already. But I've seen it. I've seen it in the quiet way he watches Daddy carry Silas when we are out. I see it in the way he turns around every time he hears one of us say I love you. I've seen it in the way that he cries a little more than normal when it's time for bed and he has to choose if he lays down with Mommy or Daddy, instead of having both of us there. It's heartbreaking, really when I stop to think about how much his heart must be hurting at times.

But then I am reminded of what it was like when Sean was born and how Stephen had such a hard time. Even though he was older, he had been the only child for 7 years and he went through the same emotions. And now, you would never know it when you watch the two of them. They are best friends and he loves his brother fiercely. I reminded him of this yesterday on our walk and asked him if he could even imagine our life without Sean in it now. And he said, "No way!" I know that it will be the same with Silas. As hard as it is to add a new member of the family, either by adoption or by birth, in the end, it's SO worth it. There will come a day when we all look back and say we can't even fathom our life without Silas!!

Tonight, we knew we needed a new plan for bedtime and we also needed something special for bonding time. So we pulled out something that we had been saving for a time when serious intervention was needed. We had bought these for Gotcha Day based on a Youtube video that we had seen and thought it was such a great idea. But Gotcha day went so well, we didn't need them. So we decided to do it tonight. What is this magic you ask?

Glowsticks.

Oh yeah!