We are currently in the process of huge life changes. Not that any one event is really bigger than another, but the fact that we have several life changes happening all at once makes it BIG. We moved out of our house 5 days ago and said bye to our little rural town here in East Asia. We are spending a few more days with our team in the new town and in one week from today, we will be united with our son.
I haven't shared a whole lot of anything other than the adoption on this blog, but the adoption isn't the only thing happening in our family. We have also decided to move back to the States once the adoption is finalized. In 20 days we will arrive back in America for the first time in almost 3 years, to begin the next chapter of our life, which will include visiting lots of doctors and trying to figure out what our new normal is going to look like.
In October I wrote this post about finding out about Silas's medical condition. We had already fallen in love with this little boy and then we received news from our doctors that didn't "fit" into our puzzle. And then I wrote this one about the orphanage's response to what our doctors said. And finally, I wrote this post about how the Lord led us to commit to bringing Silas into our family.
I know we have been pretty vague in all of our conversations about Silas's medical needs. Mainly because we feel like that is his story to share. We don't ever want his needs to define him. He is first and foremost a precious, loved and cherished child of God and he is our son. He is a 6 year old boy who is shy and quiet, but that has a smile that completely LIGHTS up the entire room, especially when he sings head, shoulders, knees and toes. He also happens to have a form of Spina Bifida. This is what the orphanage said that he did not have, but our doctors both agreed that he most likely did. It was only through a small side conversation that I was having with the orphanage director through text messaging in March that we found out he for sure does have Spina Bifida. The extent and severity of his case we do not know yet, but we do know that he is very mobile. He most likely has hydrocephalus as well, although the orphanage says he does not. There are some other medical needs that come along with having SB, but hopefully they can be managed by having the right medical care that he simply isn't getting where he is.
When we found out in March that our medical diagnosis was right, we went through a period of grieving. Even though we assumed it was, we were still hoping for the best, and now knowing it for certain was a different feeling. I was tempted to become angry. Angry at the orphanage, angry at our agency. There is no reason that the miscommunication should have happened. The file should have been translated correctly. Did the agency really ask the orphanage the questions that we sent? Why didn't they push for more information when we pushed, especially with two American doctors backing us. Were they lying, or are they just that misinformed? But at the end of the day, we were certain that God had chosen this child for our family and we know that all of it, every detail, was all part of his divine providence to bring us together. In all honesty, if his file had said Spina Bifida at the top, like many others did, we wouldn't have stepped out to request his file. It's not that we weren't open to more special needs, but at that time, we knew that there were certain special needs that we couldn't handle in our season of life and in our location. But God knew better.
Back in October and November when we were praying and pouring over the decision to pursue his adoption or not, we sought council and we begged our prayer warriors to help us through it. One thing that was said to us was that God called us to where are living. He is the one that led us here and has guided every one of our steps, and He is not going to stop now. They said, if this is truly something that God is asking you to do, He will show you how and He will lead you. We trusted His calling to move overseas and now we had to trust His calling to move us away if that was the case. And one of our very best friends told us that we needed to decide if it was more important to live a certain life and have a certain job, or to follow the Lord where He led us. We prayed with our teammates and cried over the implications of what this could mean for us. Our decision to adopt Silas was not made lightly. Although it should have been an easy one, it was hard. I wish I could tell him someday that we just knew as soon as we saw him and there were no questions and it was a fairytale. But there were lots of questions. And I hope and pray that he will value the fact that we sought the Lord until we knew that we knew that we knew. And because of that, there are no "what ifs" or "if onlys."
As soon as we knew for sure what we were dealing with, we reached out again to our doctors and others who could help us. This time to doctors who have worked with our company overseas for 20 years and doctors that live and work here in our country. We asked questions about what life would look like here and where we could find the specialists we needed and as one email came in after another, we read the same statements. "With what we know, we really think that you would be better off in the States." "The specialties you would need aren't really available here." "In all of my years, I have never met a family with this specific need living overseas." We knew that staying in our current location was not going to be an option, but we were thinking maybe we could transfer to a bigger city possibly. And there were a couple of options, but in the end, with a few other factors about our job considered, we felt the Lord leading us back to America. There are times when that decision is very hard. We love our life here, for the most part, and we really love our job, our team, and our colleagues, and change is never easy. But that doesn't mean it's not good. And it's worth it. Totally worth it.
We have been asked a lot of "whys" and "hows" and "what about..." and "whens" about our decision to adopt, our decision to adopt Silas, and our decision to move home. I wanted to write this post today, not because I feel like I have to defend myself or that I need to clarify anymore than I have. But I write it because I need to know. Because the truth is that I ask myself these questions quite often. And the more I am asked by others, the more I ask myself the same questions and I have to constantly go back to the Father and allow Him to remind me of the answers. And I also know that if one person is asking me a question, most likely there are others that have the same one. So I want to attempt to answer a few of them here.
1. So you are just going to walk away from your job?
How I wish things were that black and white. I have had some serious angst over this for the past 5 months. I have struggled with this. I have felt guilt and shame and failure over this. This is a great post about unpacking the suitcase of shame for those in our field of work going home. Really, up until the last two weeks, I have struggled with this issue. But we just came back from a company wide conference that was 10 days long. We spent time with our colleagues, had fellowship and attended lots of classes and seminars. We walked away with so many exciting things to look forward to. We are not walking away from anything. We are only walking into the next chapter of our story. When we got on a plane to move to East Asia, we left our lives in the States, but that didn't make our family any less our family. In the same way, our heart for our work will not change. If anything, God has burdened us even more for our work and for as long as we can we will be very involved in what goes on here, from wherever we are.
2. Why would you choose to adopt a child with a special need?
My simple answer to this is we didn't. We chose to adopt a child, much in the same way that I chose to get pregnant with my biological children. God chose to match our family with a special needs child and we said yes. If the child in my womb had a special need, I would say yes to them too.
3. Aren't you worried about your biological kids?
I worry about my kids learning things they shouldn't learn at school and church and anywhere else they go. I worry about my kids safety. I worry about my kids as we drive down the road. I worry that my kids don't eat enough. But I don't worry about them having a brother. I don't worry about them thinking of someone else outside of themselves. I don't worry about them opening their hearts up to a child who needs them. I don't worry about the amazing ways God is growing and maturing them in this process. We are fully aware that there are challenges, big challenges, with adopting a child into our family, most of which we don't have a clue about yet. But living a life in pursuit of the Lord is something I desperately want to teach and model to my children. God doesn't call without equipping and I know that he loves my kids, even more than I do.
4. How can you just leave your teammates?
We don't take this one lightly. This has been one of the.single.most.heartwrenching parts of this decision. There have been many tears already and even more to come over this. In some ways that 99% of the people reading this will not understand, leaving our teammates is harder to think about than leaving America. This is the subject that fills me with the most grief. But with all of that being said, no matter where we are in the world, we will always be a team. Our hearts and our lives have been knitted together in a way that I cannot accurately describe to you in words. Our relationship isn't ending because our residence does. We have been in prayer about this together for almost a year now. We talk frequently about it and our teammates are the most supportive people in our lives about this topic. Father is taking care of them, just as He is taking care of us. He has provided in ways we didn't even know we needed provision for. He has big plans for their future, and we are so excited for them.
5. Why China when there are so many kids in the US foster system?
That is absolutely right. There are so many kids all over the world that need homes. We are all one Body with many parts. I believe that God is calling people right now to adopt in the States. Maybe he is calling you to do just that? For right now, He is calling our family to our child that happens to live in China right now.
I'm sure that this opens up the floor for many more questions. We welcome them. Please don't be afraid to ask us. We are happy to share about our journey.
We have a difficult road ahead of us. One that will be marked with uncertainty, fear, confusion, grief, sadness, and many other difficult emotions and processes. But we also know that there will be joy, restoration, memories, and most importantly love. Even if not immediately, it will come eventually. We trust the Father who has began a good work to finish it to completion and He who has promised is faithful.
Showing posts with label decision. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decision. Show all posts
Monday, September 5, 2016
Monday, October 26, 2015
Complete Joy
God is so good. When we pray, He listens. When we ask Him to speak, He does. He is faithful.
We received the updated special focus list from our agency this weekend. We spent the day yesterday looking through it and as we stopped and read each story, we couldn't shake the feeling that we were somehow "cheating" on our child. It honest to goodness felt like we were setting one of our children aside and trying to find someone else to replace him. It felt horrible.
We spent Sunday morning in fellowship with our friends, like we do every Sunday. We spent the morning praying together over our decision and what it would mean for us and for our future child. One of our friends told us that it seemed like we needed to decide which was more important to us, our life, our job, and our call here in rural Asia or our love and our call to this little boy. Justin and I decided yesterday afternoon that we were done fighting this feeling. Maybe what we had been seeing as a closed door, wasn't a closed door. We decided to allow ourselves a little more time of opening our hearts here. We had spent the last week trying to shut him out of our hearts, but it wasn't working. So we began to talk about what a decision like this would mean for our family. We had come into this journey planning that we would add a member to our family and live life like we had been living. A new life of course, with its own challenges and chaos, but for the most part, no major changes, for example the location of our home. We ended up coming up with a couple of plans, let's call them Plan B, Plan C and Plan D. We figured it couldn't hurt to have enough to make it to Plan Z, right?
This morning, I woke up and decided to do some research. I began looking up information about expats living overseas with children that have special needs and I found some encouragement. I decided to write an email to our good friends who have a huge passion for our job and also a huge passion for adoption. I shared with them our struggles and our confusion and asked them how do you decide between one or the other? They replied back and encouraged us to truly seek the Lord and His heart and to trust as He leads. We know that we are in this town, today, for a purpose. And we need to fulfill that purpose well with our whole hearts. We also know that we are called to adopt, and we also need to fulfill that calling with our whole hearts. And we will worry about what tomorrow brings when we get there and trust God to do the leading.
So this afternoon, as I poured over the Scriptures, asking God to speak to me specifically today, He answered me. I went through many verses in Psalm that proclaim the importance of trusting in Him, our Rock and our Deliverer. And then I ended up in John 15. Such familiar verses to so many of us, especially in our lives for the past 2 years. A theme in our company has been Abide. And I was reminded once again of the importance of abiding in Him and allowing Him to direct our paths. But for some reason today, John 15:11 stuck out to me, and I wasn't quite sure why, but I knew that it was something God was impressing on me. "I have written this, so that your joy may be complete." I opened my devotional that I have been reading through and flipped it to August 15, the day that Qi Long was found. And guess what verse was listed for that day. Yes, John 15:11. Not the whole passage, but just this one verse. And then this is what I read off to the side. "Joy is the experience of knowing you are unconditionally loved." A quote by Henry Nouwen. What more could God want a child of his to know on one of the hardest days of his life? That he was unconditionally loved.
We sent an email to our case worker tonight and told her that we were ready to take the next steps to make Qi Long a part of our family. We don't know where this next year will lead us. He could have medical issues that take us away from our job, he could not. All we know is that he is already so unconditionally loved by us, but more than any one, by his Heavenly Father, who lavishly fills my heart with confirmation in the little details!
We received the updated special focus list from our agency this weekend. We spent the day yesterday looking through it and as we stopped and read each story, we couldn't shake the feeling that we were somehow "cheating" on our child. It honest to goodness felt like we were setting one of our children aside and trying to find someone else to replace him. It felt horrible.
We spent Sunday morning in fellowship with our friends, like we do every Sunday. We spent the morning praying together over our decision and what it would mean for us and for our future child. One of our friends told us that it seemed like we needed to decide which was more important to us, our life, our job, and our call here in rural Asia or our love and our call to this little boy. Justin and I decided yesterday afternoon that we were done fighting this feeling. Maybe what we had been seeing as a closed door, wasn't a closed door. We decided to allow ourselves a little more time of opening our hearts here. We had spent the last week trying to shut him out of our hearts, but it wasn't working. So we began to talk about what a decision like this would mean for our family. We had come into this journey planning that we would add a member to our family and live life like we had been living. A new life of course, with its own challenges and chaos, but for the most part, no major changes, for example the location of our home. We ended up coming up with a couple of plans, let's call them Plan B, Plan C and Plan D. We figured it couldn't hurt to have enough to make it to Plan Z, right?
This morning, I woke up and decided to do some research. I began looking up information about expats living overseas with children that have special needs and I found some encouragement. I decided to write an email to our good friends who have a huge passion for our job and also a huge passion for adoption. I shared with them our struggles and our confusion and asked them how do you decide between one or the other? They replied back and encouraged us to truly seek the Lord and His heart and to trust as He leads. We know that we are in this town, today, for a purpose. And we need to fulfill that purpose well with our whole hearts. We also know that we are called to adopt, and we also need to fulfill that calling with our whole hearts. And we will worry about what tomorrow brings when we get there and trust God to do the leading.
So this afternoon, as I poured over the Scriptures, asking God to speak to me specifically today, He answered me. I went through many verses in Psalm that proclaim the importance of trusting in Him, our Rock and our Deliverer. And then I ended up in John 15. Such familiar verses to so many of us, especially in our lives for the past 2 years. A theme in our company has been Abide. And I was reminded once again of the importance of abiding in Him and allowing Him to direct our paths. But for some reason today, John 15:11 stuck out to me, and I wasn't quite sure why, but I knew that it was something God was impressing on me. "I have written this, so that your joy may be complete." I opened my devotional that I have been reading through and flipped it to August 15, the day that Qi Long was found. And guess what verse was listed for that day. Yes, John 15:11. Not the whole passage, but just this one verse. And then this is what I read off to the side. "Joy is the experience of knowing you are unconditionally loved." A quote by Henry Nouwen. What more could God want a child of his to know on one of the hardest days of his life? That he was unconditionally loved.
We sent an email to our case worker tonight and told her that we were ready to take the next steps to make Qi Long a part of our family. We don't know where this next year will lead us. He could have medical issues that take us away from our job, he could not. All we know is that he is already so unconditionally loved by us, but more than any one, by his Heavenly Father, who lavishly fills my heart with confirmation in the little details!
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Worth It
We heard back from the orphanage and they are standing by what is in his files. They are saying that he does not have what our pediatricians are saying that he has and all he needs is some personal love and attention and that his medical delays will resolve on their own. We also received a video of him which, honestly ripped my heart in two. It's one thing looking at a picture and another thing watching a video of a child playing and being a real human kid. A real human kid that doesn't have a mama or a daddy, or two brothers and a dog. He doesn't have anybody that is there for him no matter what. He no doubt has people that care about him and care for him, but it's not permanent. They go home and change shifts and his life is one big ball of who is coming next? But even though they are confident of this, it is still very hard for us to let go of what makes the most sense. Our agency encouraged us that you don't normally find such drastic differences in the files vs. doctors. But we all know that it happens. Are they lying, do they just not know, do they not have the resources to know truly what is going on with him? Or is it really what they say and it's just all a big coincidence that all of his symptoms point to this? Our realism says, "There is no way he doesn't have this. 2+2 always equals 4, no matter how you turn it. But our hopefulness says, "There's so much we don't know."
It's Sunday. Tuesday will be 3 weeks since we first saw him. Today is 2 weeks since we opened our hearts to the idea that he could actually be our son. And as of today we have spent 1 week trying to let him go. This is not a natural process of the heart. At all. But neither was my own adoption.
It wasn't natural for God the Father to send His own Son into the world to grow up only to die, in order for me to be adopted into His family. It wasn't natural to watch his Son grow up into a beautiful young man whose very breath was only used to bring glory to His Father, just to watch him suffer in agony and pain. None of that was natural, and yet it was worth it. God saw that I was worth it. And I know that no matter what happens on this journey, no matter how painful it is on the way there, in the end, whoever our son or daughter is, it will be worth it.
I am praying these words over this sweet little boy today. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
It's Sunday. Tuesday will be 3 weeks since we first saw him. Today is 2 weeks since we opened our hearts to the idea that he could actually be our son. And as of today we have spent 1 week trying to let him go. This is not a natural process of the heart. At all. But neither was my own adoption.
It wasn't natural for God the Father to send His own Son into the world to grow up only to die, in order for me to be adopted into His family. It wasn't natural to watch his Son grow up into a beautiful young man whose very breath was only used to bring glory to His Father, just to watch him suffer in agony and pain. None of that was natural, and yet it was worth it. God saw that I was worth it. And I know that no matter what happens on this journey, no matter how painful it is on the way there, in the end, whoever our son or daughter is, it will be worth it.
I am praying these words over this sweet little boy today. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11
Sunday, October 18, 2015
I think I'm in.
Today was the day. Sunday. We were headed out to try and get more information in order to make one of the most important decisions we have ever had to make. As we were riding in the taxi on the way, all of us were abnormally quiet. We realized later that we were all just nervous. None of us knew what to expect or what not to expect. We really were just jumping into the wind on this one. Our stomachs were in knots at the possibility of getting to see a little boy that could possibly be in our family. Scared that they would say no, but at the same time, scared that they might say yes. We so desperately wanted to know more about him, yet were so fearful of what we might find out. Could anything change what we were already feeling about this boy? And then here we were, standing on one side of a gate and he was on the other side. We could hear children playing, and we wondered if one of those laughs were from him.
The good news is that we went to the orphanage and we met one of the directors. He was super nice and seemed genuinely willing to help us. But the fact was that he couldn't just let us in. He seemed to know our boy right away when we said his name and he smiled. He said that his caretaker wasn't there that day, because it was the weekend and if we could come back the next day that he could possibly try to help us a little more and we could at least meet her and talk to her. But we weren't able to come back the next day. We had previous engagements that couldn't be changed. He gave us a lady's number and told us to call her and she could maybe help us. We told him thank you for his time and that we hoped to see more of him in the future and he smiled, shook our hands and said "I hope so too."
We spent the next little while walking around outside of the orphanage, praying not only for wisdom, discernment and guidance for our future, but also for Qi Long's future, with or without us, as well as the future of all of the other little boys and girls that live there. We prayed for the caretakers, for the people that give of themselves every day. They pour out their time, their love and their hearts to these kids and provide them with as much as they can give.
As we walked down the hill, Justin and I both looked at each other. He asked me how I was feeling, and I said, "I think I'm in." He said he was too. We looked at Stephen and ask him what he was thinking. And he said, "I'm in, too." We decided right there, standing outside of his orphanage that we were going to take a leap of faith and trust God to do the rest. We prayed and told God that we trusted him with all of our futures and that we trusted Him to close doors that needed to be closed or to open doors that needed to be opened, and to help us to know the difference. And the rest of the afternoon as we walked around the area, we looked at the face of every child we saw, praying that one of them just maybe, might have been his.
So here we are, we still don't know anything more about him, but we know that as far as we are concerned, we are all in.
The good news is that we went to the orphanage and we met one of the directors. He was super nice and seemed genuinely willing to help us. But the fact was that he couldn't just let us in. He seemed to know our boy right away when we said his name and he smiled. He said that his caretaker wasn't there that day, because it was the weekend and if we could come back the next day that he could possibly try to help us a little more and we could at least meet her and talk to her. But we weren't able to come back the next day. We had previous engagements that couldn't be changed. He gave us a lady's number and told us to call her and she could maybe help us. We told him thank you for his time and that we hoped to see more of him in the future and he smiled, shook our hands and said "I hope so too."
We spent the next little while walking around outside of the orphanage, praying not only for wisdom, discernment and guidance for our future, but also for Qi Long's future, with or without us, as well as the future of all of the other little boys and girls that live there. We prayed for the caretakers, for the people that give of themselves every day. They pour out their time, their love and their hearts to these kids and provide them with as much as they can give.
As we walked down the hill, Justin and I both looked at each other. He asked me how I was feeling, and I said, "I think I'm in." He said he was too. We looked at Stephen and ask him what he was thinking. And he said, "I'm in, too." We decided right there, standing outside of his orphanage that we were going to take a leap of faith and trust God to do the rest. We prayed and told God that we trusted him with all of our futures and that we trusted Him to close doors that needed to be closed or to open doors that needed to be opened, and to help us to know the difference. And the rest of the afternoon as we walked around the area, we looked at the face of every child we saw, praying that one of them just maybe, might have been his.
So here we are, we still don't know anything more about him, but we know that as far as we are concerned, we are all in.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Really Too Fast
So, you remember a few days ago when I posted about that list we got in the email, and how we felt like it was just too soon to be going there, and those 3 faces that we saw? Well, 2 of those faces in particular began to plague our minds this week. We just couldn't get them out of our heads. It didn't help that Justin had put their pictures on his phone and was looking at them any chance he got. So we decided to go ahead and ask for their files last night. It's just information, right? Maybe if we can read more about them, it will help us to know why we are thinking of them so much.
There was this one little girl, 3 years old named Samantha and this little boy named Jesse, also 3. These were the two kids that we were dying to know more about. But there was also this other little boy named, Wesley. He is 5 1/2 and the very first night we looked through all of the pictures, his big eyes caught both of our attentions and there was just something different about him, so we decided to ask for his file too.
We received them earlier this evening and spent the night pouring over the English translations of their files. We decided to read them separately so that we could process what we were seeing and see if our thoughts and feelings matched up when we were done. After a while, we both looked up and knew that the other had a special one in mind. I know I was praying for his to be the same as mine and I'm sure he was too. And it was. We were both falling head over heels for the one that we almost didn't ask for. Little Wesley had captured us. The other two were still heavy on our hearts, and Jesse even had a video in his file where his caretaker told him to say hi to "mama." If that doesn't rip your heart out I don't know what will. While one of the hardest parts of the adoption process (at least in the beginning) is saying no to one child, but yes to another, we didn't feel a connection with the two that we originally did. But when we looked at Wesley, there was something different. It was almost as if he was already ours.
Before we ever even thought we were close to the point of looking at the children, I had been praying and asking Father to give me very specific confirmations about the child that He had picked out for us. I've always felt bad for my pleading with Him to give me signs, and wondering why I don't ever just trust Him to lead my heart, but I also know that my heart is deceitful above all else and I have to guard it, because it is the epicenter of my life in Him. When I am asking Him for confirmations, it's not that I don't trust Him to speak to me, I just don't trust myself to listen. He knows that I am hard of hearing and He has always been faithful to give me what I need to be able to trust Him with all of my heart.
One of the things that just brought me to my knees was reading the date that Wesley was found. It was very close to a really big date for our family. Two very serious life changes, two different places, with different people...A time when our life and this little boy's life had both changed in ways that no one will ever be able to fully explain to us on this side of Heaven, but somehow, Father was weaving our lives together and I found out about it today.
There were a few other details that poured a little more concrete into my unsteady heart, one profound. Justin and I talked about this boy for what seemed like hours. And we were so shaken by it all. We were hoping that reading these files would help us to let go of these images and help us to focus on the task at hand, but this was exactly the opposite. And it was so fast! Mind you, we JUST received our home study packet (which we were blowing through, yay! but still!!) It just did not fit the timeline we had written for ourselves. We had the option of locking his file for one week while we sought the advice of doctors and any other wise counsel we could find. We had promised Stephen from the very beginning that his opinions mattered and that we wanted him to be a part of this process. So before we went any farther, we asked him for his opinion. We showed him Wesley's picture again and gave him a few details of his story and waited for his reply. Stephen shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm cool with it." We looked at him and he looked at us and then a smile formed on his face. "What?" he asked. We said, "Really? You're cool with it?" And he said, "Yeah! I like him. Let's do it." Haha.
Now, for that to make sense, I have to include the fact that up until this point, Stephen was the least sold out person in our family. He was excited about adoption. He had been part of the conversation 5 years ago when he was only 4 or so. He has always been on board with giving another kid a family and he wants to be that big brother. But he hasn't been so sold out on the idea of a sibling from China. He worries about the language barrier, and we explain to him that just like we are learning Chinese here, our new child will learn English when they become part of our family. And we talk to Chinese people every day, even though we can't understand everything they say. We can almost always at least talk to the little kids! But something about having a Chinese speaking person as a member of our family has not made him very excited yet. Until tonight. Just in the carefree way that he said, "I'm cool with it," totally blew us away.
SO, with all of that being said, we sent an email saying that we were seriously considering Wesley, now we know his real name is Chen Qi Long, and we wanted to lock his file for the week so that we could continue to pray about him. So here's to finding out what God can show us within a week!
There was this one little girl, 3 years old named Samantha and this little boy named Jesse, also 3. These were the two kids that we were dying to know more about. But there was also this other little boy named, Wesley. He is 5 1/2 and the very first night we looked through all of the pictures, his big eyes caught both of our attentions and there was just something different about him, so we decided to ask for his file too.
We received them earlier this evening and spent the night pouring over the English translations of their files. We decided to read them separately so that we could process what we were seeing and see if our thoughts and feelings matched up when we were done. After a while, we both looked up and knew that the other had a special one in mind. I know I was praying for his to be the same as mine and I'm sure he was too. And it was. We were both falling head over heels for the one that we almost didn't ask for. Little Wesley had captured us. The other two were still heavy on our hearts, and Jesse even had a video in his file where his caretaker told him to say hi to "mama." If that doesn't rip your heart out I don't know what will. While one of the hardest parts of the adoption process (at least in the beginning) is saying no to one child, but yes to another, we didn't feel a connection with the two that we originally did. But when we looked at Wesley, there was something different. It was almost as if he was already ours.
Before we ever even thought we were close to the point of looking at the children, I had been praying and asking Father to give me very specific confirmations about the child that He had picked out for us. I've always felt bad for my pleading with Him to give me signs, and wondering why I don't ever just trust Him to lead my heart, but I also know that my heart is deceitful above all else and I have to guard it, because it is the epicenter of my life in Him. When I am asking Him for confirmations, it's not that I don't trust Him to speak to me, I just don't trust myself to listen. He knows that I am hard of hearing and He has always been faithful to give me what I need to be able to trust Him with all of my heart.
One of the things that just brought me to my knees was reading the date that Wesley was found. It was very close to a really big date for our family. Two very serious life changes, two different places, with different people...A time when our life and this little boy's life had both changed in ways that no one will ever be able to fully explain to us on this side of Heaven, but somehow, Father was weaving our lives together and I found out about it today.
There were a few other details that poured a little more concrete into my unsteady heart, one profound. Justin and I talked about this boy for what seemed like hours. And we were so shaken by it all. We were hoping that reading these files would help us to let go of these images and help us to focus on the task at hand, but this was exactly the opposite. And it was so fast! Mind you, we JUST received our home study packet (which we were blowing through, yay! but still!!) It just did not fit the timeline we had written for ourselves. We had the option of locking his file for one week while we sought the advice of doctors and any other wise counsel we could find. We had promised Stephen from the very beginning that his opinions mattered and that we wanted him to be a part of this process. So before we went any farther, we asked him for his opinion. We showed him Wesley's picture again and gave him a few details of his story and waited for his reply. Stephen shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm cool with it." We looked at him and he looked at us and then a smile formed on his face. "What?" he asked. We said, "Really? You're cool with it?" And he said, "Yeah! I like him. Let's do it." Haha.
Now, for that to make sense, I have to include the fact that up until this point, Stephen was the least sold out person in our family. He was excited about adoption. He had been part of the conversation 5 years ago when he was only 4 or so. He has always been on board with giving another kid a family and he wants to be that big brother. But he hasn't been so sold out on the idea of a sibling from China. He worries about the language barrier, and we explain to him that just like we are learning Chinese here, our new child will learn English when they become part of our family. And we talk to Chinese people every day, even though we can't understand everything they say. We can almost always at least talk to the little kids! But something about having a Chinese speaking person as a member of our family has not made him very excited yet. Until tonight. Just in the carefree way that he said, "I'm cool with it," totally blew us away.
SO, with all of that being said, we sent an email saying that we were seriously considering Wesley, now we know his real name is Chen Qi Long, and we wanted to lock his file for the week so that we could continue to pray about him. So here's to finding out what God can show us within a week!
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Joy of Answered Prayers
We just got off of our Skype call with the agency. We went into this call pretty certain that we would be proceeding with either Bulgaria or Ukraine, and not China. We were ok with that, actually. China was still the first choice in our hearts for obvious reasons, but we were more concerned with our child coming home than we were where he (or she) was coming from. After over an hour of talking, or listening really, to all that he had to say about each program, we ended with one question. Knowing what you know about our situation and what our obstacles are, what would you do? What would your recommendation be? And he very matter of factly said, "Oh, China, all the way. Without a doubt. If these are the only obstacles you have, don't even worry about them. Get your credit card out and pay for that home study to get started." We couldn't really believe what we were hearing. What we thought was a definite no for us, ended up being not a big deal at all. We closed the laptop, and I fell into J's arms almost in tears. I told him that I had never really felt this feeling before. For most of my adult life, I have felt the joy that comes through sacrifice and suffering. But this was one of the first times that I can remember feeling the elation of knowing that Father was simply blessing my socks off, just because He could and He wasn't asking me to sacrifice anything in my heart's desire to receive that blessing. We are adopting a child from China! I can't help but see the face of my new little one in the face of every precious set of eyes that I see walk past me all day long. There is a God-shaped hole there for someone I have never met before and I am loving the warmth of feeling Father's love for me in this way. I know that there are valleys to come, but for now...I am grateful for the mountain top and I am enjoying the view!
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
And So We Begin
We submitted an application with an adoption agency today. We have been praying over this decision and avoiding it and praying some more for about 4 months now. Well, really for about 5 years, but most recently it has been a big conversation between us for about 4 months. A long time ago, in what feels like a different time and world, we felt a pull on our heart strings to pursue adoption. We had some friends at that time that were also talking about it and so we decided to go to an information meeting together. All I remember about that meeting is how overwhelmed I was with all of the information. We browsed through some files of waiting children in the US. At this time, we already knew that we wanted to move overseas, and we realized that adopting a child and then moving them out of the country right away was probably not the best idea for our family, and probably not even allowed with the adoption agencies. Also, I had received what I felt like a very real promise from the Father that I would be having a biological child soon. I began to question that promise 3 years down the road and even decided to forget about it as we packed up our house and prepared to move overseas. As we narrowed down where we were going to move to, we realized that we could adopt internationally, but the rules for China stated that you had to be 30 years old to adopt. So there was my easy out. Lo and behold, He is faithful and He absolutely did fulfill that promise of a biological baby to me, which we found out about 3 days before leaving the country for 3 years. Oh, the Creator and his sense of humor!
Fast forward round about 2 years, and we find ourselves in May of 2015. I had a very unique opportunity to spend some time with a friend in China as she was finalizing her adoption process. I spent 3 days with her and her newest member of the family and also met several other families that were there in her group. I remember the afternoon that everyone had finally received the papers they needed, and were waiting for a van to come pick them up and take them to an airport where they could begin the journey of taking these precious children HOME. I remember standing in the lobby of that hotel with a friend, sobbing from the weight of it all. The fact that these kids were orphans, and now they were not. These kids had no families, and now they had families that were going to love them forever. These amazing children had been through so much trauma, so much heartache, and yet right here in front of my face I was watching a story unfold for all of these kids that pointed directly back to how our Father cares for us. He did not leave us as orphans of this world. He chose us, He looked for us, He pursued us, He filled out all of the paperwork and signed on the line with His very own blood. He adopted us into His family. My friend and I, we watched one little girl in particular as she ran around playing with another little boy about her age. The two kids ran into each other and her poor little nose started to bleed. As she screamed, she ran and threw her arms around the legs of her DADDY. This little girl, who one week before had no one to pick her up and wipe away her tears, now was running into the arms of a Daddy. It was literally to much for my heart to contain at the moment. Thankfully my friend standing with me was able to speak and she began to pray out loud for all of these children and we spent the next few minutes as they all said their goodbyes to each other praying for these families, for the kids that were headed to surgeries as soon as they arrived in America, for siblings that were going to greet them, for language that had to be learned, for a hope and a future that their Heavenly Father so graciously had already planned for them.
It was a beautiful moment and as I sent pictures to Justin the next few days, he began to fall in love himself. I came back home that next week, emotionally drained from all that I had experienced and Justin informed me that we would both be turning 30 in the coming months. He had been looking up information and he was excited and he said we can do this now. Honestly, at that time my head was having a really hard time processing everything and I knew that we needed to take some time to pray about this. I was emotional and my stories stirred emotion in Justin's heart and we didn't want to be making any decisions just because of what we had been privileged to experience that week. Yes, it was a beautiful thing and no my desire to adopt had never gone away, but it was too much right now. Our life is too crazy and we can't handle adding another kid, especially through adoption. So we prayed. I begged for confirmation. I am a Gideon if I have ever seen one. I am not satisfied with wet wool or dry wool. I want big marquee signs flashing as I walk out of my bedroom in the morning. Actually, I need one above every doorway, because what if I misread the first one and jumped to a conclusion before it even finished scrolling. One day, I told Justin that we needed to convince his brother and sister in law to do this with us. They had always talked about it with us, but it wasn't a subject that had come up in a long time and it was just funny when we said it out loud. But really, that would be so cool.
We finally reached a point after praying and reading scripture, that Father had shown us that this is where He wanted us and we realized that it was no coincidence that He took me to spend those days with my friend and her little boy. He works everything together for the good of those who love Him and ultimately, for His glory. We felt sure enough that we were ready to start bringing it up with our families. So one by one, we made the phone calls. We were so nervous of the responses we would get. Would they think we were crazy, stupid, immature and just a bunch of dreamers? Because sometimes that's how we felt about ourselves. Or would they be supportive, excited and joyful? Because that was how we felt most of the time. We were talking to Justin's brother one night and Justin looked at me with those eyes and I nodded back at him giving him the signal to tell what we were so excited about, and you would not believe the message that we received before we could get the words out. "Well, we just wanted to let you know that we have decided to start the adoption process." Our mouths fell open and I may or may not have started squealing. We said, "No way! We were just about to tell you the same thing!!" I went to bed that night feeling more confident than I had ever felt before that we were on His journey. And we couldn't wait to get started. We still had to wait a little while for some approvals from our company, and I have never seen Justin work so hard filling out a form before in his life.
We clicked the SEND button today. And we have to pay money now. So there is no turning back, right? Woo-hoo!
Fast forward round about 2 years, and we find ourselves in May of 2015. I had a very unique opportunity to spend some time with a friend in China as she was finalizing her adoption process. I spent 3 days with her and her newest member of the family and also met several other families that were there in her group. I remember the afternoon that everyone had finally received the papers they needed, and were waiting for a van to come pick them up and take them to an airport where they could begin the journey of taking these precious children HOME. I remember standing in the lobby of that hotel with a friend, sobbing from the weight of it all. The fact that these kids were orphans, and now they were not. These kids had no families, and now they had families that were going to love them forever. These amazing children had been through so much trauma, so much heartache, and yet right here in front of my face I was watching a story unfold for all of these kids that pointed directly back to how our Father cares for us. He did not leave us as orphans of this world. He chose us, He looked for us, He pursued us, He filled out all of the paperwork and signed on the line with His very own blood. He adopted us into His family. My friend and I, we watched one little girl in particular as she ran around playing with another little boy about her age. The two kids ran into each other and her poor little nose started to bleed. As she screamed, she ran and threw her arms around the legs of her DADDY. This little girl, who one week before had no one to pick her up and wipe away her tears, now was running into the arms of a Daddy. It was literally to much for my heart to contain at the moment. Thankfully my friend standing with me was able to speak and she began to pray out loud for all of these children and we spent the next few minutes as they all said their goodbyes to each other praying for these families, for the kids that were headed to surgeries as soon as they arrived in America, for siblings that were going to greet them, for language that had to be learned, for a hope and a future that their Heavenly Father so graciously had already planned for them.
It was a beautiful moment and as I sent pictures to Justin the next few days, he began to fall in love himself. I came back home that next week, emotionally drained from all that I had experienced and Justin informed me that we would both be turning 30 in the coming months. He had been looking up information and he was excited and he said we can do this now. Honestly, at that time my head was having a really hard time processing everything and I knew that we needed to take some time to pray about this. I was emotional and my stories stirred emotion in Justin's heart and we didn't want to be making any decisions just because of what we had been privileged to experience that week. Yes, it was a beautiful thing and no my desire to adopt had never gone away, but it was too much right now. Our life is too crazy and we can't handle adding another kid, especially through adoption. So we prayed. I begged for confirmation. I am a Gideon if I have ever seen one. I am not satisfied with wet wool or dry wool. I want big marquee signs flashing as I walk out of my bedroom in the morning. Actually, I need one above every doorway, because what if I misread the first one and jumped to a conclusion before it even finished scrolling. One day, I told Justin that we needed to convince his brother and sister in law to do this with us. They had always talked about it with us, but it wasn't a subject that had come up in a long time and it was just funny when we said it out loud. But really, that would be so cool.
We finally reached a point after praying and reading scripture, that Father had shown us that this is where He wanted us and we realized that it was no coincidence that He took me to spend those days with my friend and her little boy. He works everything together for the good of those who love Him and ultimately, for His glory. We felt sure enough that we were ready to start bringing it up with our families. So one by one, we made the phone calls. We were so nervous of the responses we would get. Would they think we were crazy, stupid, immature and just a bunch of dreamers? Because sometimes that's how we felt about ourselves. Or would they be supportive, excited and joyful? Because that was how we felt most of the time. We were talking to Justin's brother one night and Justin looked at me with those eyes and I nodded back at him giving him the signal to tell what we were so excited about, and you would not believe the message that we received before we could get the words out. "Well, we just wanted to let you know that we have decided to start the adoption process." Our mouths fell open and I may or may not have started squealing. We said, "No way! We were just about to tell you the same thing!!" I went to bed that night feeling more confident than I had ever felt before that we were on His journey. And we couldn't wait to get started. We still had to wait a little while for some approvals from our company, and I have never seen Justin work so hard filling out a form before in his life.
We clicked the SEND button today. And we have to pay money now. So there is no turning back, right? Woo-hoo!
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