Day Thirteen...Goodbyes are hard

How do you close the door on three years of your life?

You don't. You let go of the control and allow God to do what He needs to do. 

I have to back up to Friday, Sept 9, the day before we left for Guangzhou.

I didn't post about it back then, but we had our "official" goodbye before we left for Guangzhou to pick up Silas. I knew that I didn't want to have the "ugly cries" when he was here because I didn't want to scare him. So we had a night of fellowship with the whole team and then spent some special time with each other that night. 

The boys

The big kids

The best friends that anyone could ever ask for. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the relationship that has grown over the last 5 1/2 years between these four people. As we go back to America, there are two large chunks of our hearts missing...our friends in East Asia and our teammates, who are more than equal to family in our eyes. As we go back to family, we are leaving family behind. Our lives will never be the same. And I thank God every single day for blessing our lives so richly and deeply!

We praise the Father for the new team that He has given. Our two families have been through thick and through thin together, and we all know that nothing will be able to replace that, but God has done an amazing job of PROVIDING!! Our hearts are full knowing that our dear friends will be very well taken care of. He has provided three families (one not pictured) that are so rich in knowledge and experience and love for the Lord. He has provided kids that are so close in age which will yield friendships that will last a lifetime for them. If we have to go, I couldn't ask for a better situation to leave behind. God is so faithful! Please be in prayer for the G family as they adjust to their new home, their new city and their new teammates. Father has very big plans for their next term and we are so excited to see how He will use them for His glory!

From the day we started...

To now...Thank you Father for how you have worked in our lives and grown us together!

Fast forward exactly two weeks to now Day Thirteen. We had such a fun night with our team and we woke up and shared breakfast together and got ready to go. We gave really big hugs before we left the house because we knew things would get crazy at the airport, (which they did) and went on our way. 

One last family picture. Our sweet kids look so grown up!!

One thing I have truly missed about America is my car and the radio. Being able to get in my car and go for a ride and at any time have the Word of God and uplifting music in my ears. We were blessed to have friends that were able to drive us to the airport in their cars. As we rode, we laughed and talked and at first it was just another day. And then all of a sudden, the kids calmed down and it was quiet, and there was the radio. And I heard these words...

"Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go"

A song I've heard many times, but in that moment, in the quiet, even though I had been so focused on all the happy of our adoption and all of the good things, the truth was that there is this world of unknowns stretched out before me, and those words cut to my heart and the lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger. I didn't want to cry. Silas was sitting beside me. Justin was in the other car. I had to keep control. 

And then she turned around. The woman in my life who has been my constant. For the last three years she has been by my side. We have walked hand in hand into a battle and have fought tooth and nail to hold each other up through it. We have faced the storms of culture stress and all that includes, of which I could never accurately paint a picture. We have been totally helpless together and in our weakness God's glory has been brilliant. We have been a team in the purest sense of the word. We have laughed, cried, been angry, hurt, forgiven and stronger together. Our hearts have been bound together in a way that I never dreamed could happen. And she turned around. And she gave me that look. And I lost it. 

Fortunately, Silas thought it was hilarious that I was crying and it didn't phase him in the least bit and he gave a much needed sense of humor to the situation.

We are so thankful for these guys that helped us so much with our luggage and so much more! We love you guys!!

We got through the airport craziness and had to say goodbye with lumps in our throats in the rush to security like we had figured would happen. Sean was definitely having a hard time and it showed through complete defiance as we tried to get him to stand in line. Once we were finally through security and at our gate, our boys released their built up sadness and we just let them cry. Even Silas was asking about "big sister" and said he wanted to go back to their house.

We are thankful for friendships that are hard to leave. It means that we have loved well.

And now we just begin the next chapter. God will be with us all through every step of the way.

Thankful for this play area in the Beijing airport while we tried to find some dinner.

 We made it to our hotel, which was amazing and the perfect way to spend our last night in Asia.

We finally got a hotel with a bathtub and Silas got to experience his first bath. He loved it!!!

Stay tuned for our adventure to the Great Wall!!

Day Five

We had a pretty low key day. We didn't want to get out in the crowds so we decided to make it a day at the hotel. We took the boys swimming. QiLong said it was his first time and he loved it. He is a brave little stinker, but figured out quickly what he liked and didn't like about the pool. He did great and was a natural swimmer. I'm so excited about that because I know swimming will be a great activity for him and his muscles. 

The pool was on the roof of the hotel! So cool!

My three fishies!

First time in!

He loved it from the very beginning.

 Keeping up with all three in the pool was hard work!

They were all three jumping in before long.

Mom and Dad only lasted about an hour, and these are the faces of two little ones who did not want to leave.

We had lunch at a restaurant near our hotel and came back for naptime. We had hoped they would go to sleep easily with all of the swimming, but it wasn't so easy.

Silas is beginning to really test his boundaries to figure out if we are going to stay or if we are going to go. He is actually really well behaved and listens very well. Except for certain times when most likely there is something bothering him and he just doesn't quite know how to communicate it to us yet. Unfortunately, we ended up having to let him throw his tantrum until he fell asleep on his own. We pulled out all the tools that we had used before to try to get him to calm down enough to talk to us so we could ask him questions. But nothing was working today, so we laid down with him and said you can cry if you want to, but we are all going to lay down together. We stayed right there with him until he finally drifted off. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. We've read all the books and we have been expecting moments like this, but when they happen, it's still just hard. 

It's easy in these situations to want to label our moments as successes or failures. And it's easy to doubt yourself and to doubt the child. It's sometimes even easy to sit and wonder, what have we done? Or even, I don't know if I can do this!

But through it all I am reminded of my relationship with God and how many times I have kicked and screamed and dug my heels in when he is lovingly telling me to do something I don't want to do. In that moment, I have to envision my life before my loving Father and ask myself "How would he treat me in this moment?" I have had toddlers throw tantrums before. This is nothing new. And as easy as it is to become frustration in a situation like that, the most important thing I can teach any of my children who are having a hard moment is love.

Unconditional love.

No matter what. I will.be.here.

"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.'" Hebrews 13:5-6

At the end of the day, if I can look back and say that I showed Silas and Stephen and Sean unconditional love, then I can call my day a success. The moments that create the day will change day by day, but the message I want them to hear loud and clear is "I love you, no matter what."

Once we finally got the little boys to sleep, Stephen and I went for a walk to the store. Oh my big, brave, sacrificing and selfless first born. He doesn't always want to consider other before himself, but this week especially, he has displayed wisdom beyond his years. He has been there with us through the crying, helping his youngest brother when Mom and Dad have to be hands on with the new brother. He has been patient, he has been kind and he has been so.grown.up. Oh my tears.

We wouldn't be here without him.

I love him so.

And then there is this little one. He has my whole heart. Every inch of it. He just squishes it in his hands and gives it back to me in a mushy pile and says "i yuv you mommy."

 I had to go to the bank before we could order dinner. Because #1, see Day 4 if you need a reminder of how many people there are out this weekend and #2 we discovered this AMAZING delivery company that will bring you food from pretty much anywhere that you want. So I took little S out for a walk to the bank. 

I haven't always done the best job of this with Stephen when Sean came along, but now that we have three I see it as all the more vitally important to spend special one on one time with each child. They all so desperately need to know that they are special, so important and so loved for who they are as individuals. 

Even a two year old.

 Especially a two year old that has had his role of center of our lives taken away overnight. He has been a rockstar. He loves his new brother something crazy and he looks up to him already. But I've seen it. I've seen it in the quiet way he watches Daddy carry Silas when we are out. I see it in the way he turns around every time he hears one of us say I love you. I've seen it in the way that he cries a little more than normal when it's time for bed and he has to choose if he lays down with Mommy or Daddy, instead of having both of us there. It's heartbreaking, really when I stop to think about how much his heart must be hurting at times.

But then I am reminded of what it was like when Sean was born and how Stephen had such a hard time. Even though he was older, he had been the only child for 7 years and he went through the same emotions. And now, you would never know it when you watch the two of them. They are best friends and he loves his brother fiercely. I reminded him of this yesterday on our walk and asked him if he could even imagine our life without Sean in it now. And he said, "No way!" I know that it will be the same with Silas. As hard as it is to add a new member of the family, either by adoption or by birth, in the end, it's SO worth it. There will come a day when we all look back and say we can't even fathom our life without Silas!!

Tonight, we knew we needed a new plan for bedtime and we also needed something special for bonding time. So we pulled out something that we had been saving for a time when serious intervention was needed. We had bought these for Gotcha Day based on a Youtube video that we had seen and thought it was such a great idea. But Gotcha day went so well, we didn't need them. So we decided to do it tonight. What is this magic you ask?

Glowsticks.

Oh yeah!

 

This one looks like a dragon!

 We all had so much fun in the dark with our glowsticks dancing to Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

(Yes, Jarred and Amanda, Justin has changed a lot over the years!! LOL!)

And thankfully it worked. Silas conked out as soon as he hit the pillow and Sean was out shortly after.

With a little bit of creativity. We will win the battle!! 

Day Three

Today was hard, but it ended well.

Today had many tears, but it also had many giggles.

Today experienced defeat, but we also experienced victory!

Today was busy and tiring, but tonight was relaxed and healing.

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

I seriously can't choose between these pictures. 

After breakfast, we had our medical check appointment. Silas was SO brave and didn't shed a tear! He answered the doctors questions and everyone was so impressed with him. Justin and I had to split up for a little bit first thing, so I was with Silas, but boy when he saw his Daddy walk in, you should have see his little face light up. We are so thankful with the connection we are having with him already!!

Having a chat with the Doc.

Daddy came in just as it was time for
the blood draw, thank goodness!
He gave Silas the courage he needed!!

Eye check

This was Silas's "I'm bored" face during our next appointment at the Notary.

 Silas was feeling really badly while we were in the car. So we got out to walk around for a little bit.

He found a flower that he liked, so Mommy bought one for him and he bought one for his brothers.

Sean is so loving and always wants to be there to comfort Silas.
He still doesn't want to share Mommy and Daddy, but he is ok with
it as long as he gets some extra special attention too. 

Nap time was really hard today. We all had a meltdown before we finally fell asleep. It started with Sean not wanting to lay down and so then Silas didn't want to lay down and it went down hill from there. We know that will happen as they both seek to find their new places in our family. All we can do right now is love them both through it and dig deep to find more patience than we ever thought we could muster. Jesus does that for us. Oh, how many times He has had to be patient and loving to me!

Music time with Dad. Kid has some rhythm!!

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 36:7

He woke up in a much better mood and
put this puzzle together all by himself!

I have videos of this that I dare you to watch without giggling. But videos will have to wait. Lol.

We had a great dinner at a restaurant near our hotel. We chose it because 1. it was within walking distance and we were DONE with the car for the day. And 2. because it had Western and Chinese food. Well, little stinker didn't want the Chinese food. He wanted the burger, fried chicken, french fries, onion rings and pizza. HA! And he ate a little bit of every bit of it. This boy can put away some food! He loves to eat!! 

His own handwritten name. <3 

"Mommy, take a pishure a me!" <3 

 I am so in love with

my three boys.

It's indescribable!!

CHEESE!!! I got my certificate!

I am a Robinson!!