This is Christmas...

My heart always feels like it is going to explode during Christmas-week every year. Like, literally explode. The week leading up to Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning is always so full of excitement and love in my family that I just want to cry. I love the anticipation of it all. Especially having been overseas for the last 3 Christmases, we have learned to experience, to DO, and to feel Christmas in such a different way. And my heart overflows.

Christmas Eve is my FAVORITE night of the year. But this year, I can't even wait until Christmas Eve to talk about it. As I sit here in the quiet and watch the twinkle of the lights on the tree, I just want to cry tears of joy. Every year, Christmas does this to me, but this year, it's even more. This year has rocked our world, in an unbelievable way.


Because this year, I look up from the tree and look at the family pictures that are hanging on the wall. And in addition to the most precious faces in my life, this year we have a new face. One that shakes me to my core. And the amount of joy and love I feel over a child that I don't know ONLY comes from a God who says THIS is what it's about. This is my joy being made complete in you. I never thought that my heart could love even more than it already does. I have two of the most amazing little boys that a mom could ask for and a husband that, hands down, is better than yours. Just kidding. (But not really.) And the very depths of my heart are beyond grateful. But I sit here amazed at the expansion of my heart and whisper prayers of gratefulness all over again. Grateful for His grace in my life to get me this far. Grateful for the blessings He gives. Grateful that he would choose me, a most unworthy recipient of His love.

I didn't write the following, but I stumbled upon it the other day on Facebook and I bookmarked it because for the first time, the words I was reading made my feelings make sense. I wanted to share that with you today. I hope it blesses you as much as it has me. You can see the original post by Jason Johnson here.

Christmas is the story of a good Father going to extravagant lengths in order to adopt those who have been separated from Him.

It is the celebration of God seeing the plight of His people and responding with the greatest gift of love this world has ever known - Himself. Not merely for us or near us in theory, God now put on flesh and became one of us in humanity - entering the darkness and brokenness of our story to bring us a brighter and better one in Him.

GOD WITH US  In what we now know as the Christmas story, scripture consistently speaks of the incarnation, the act of God wrapping Himself in the flesh of an infant child, in beautifully vivid and forever-altering terms. The apostle Paul, in Galatians chapter 4, writes: "When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons." 

At a predetermined, specific moment throughout all the course of human history, [before even] ("...when the fullness of time had come"), God looked down on the plight of His people and decided right then, at that very instance, He would step out of His glory and enter into the brokenness of our humanity. He would not strut into this world on a throne but would crawl into it through a manger, being born in humility, in poverty, and in relative obscurity so that He might bring fullness to the empty and belonging to the lonely (...God sent forth his Son")

The significance of His name, Emmanuel, meaning God is with us, could not be overstated. God is not somewhere. God is not over there. God is not out there. God is here, with us, among us, one of us. He is in our story. He has seen us in the plight of our brokenness and met us exactly where we were, placing Himself beneath the rule of judgment over us in order to rescue and redeem us out from under it ("...born under the law...to redeem those under the law") God is with us. Nothing will ever be the same.

TO MAKE US HIS OWN  The intended outcome of Christmas was clear - for God to bring into His family those who had been tragically orphaned from Him (...that we might receive adoption). No longer isolated. No longer orphaned. Now adopted as dearly loved sons and daughters.

At Christmas we remember the lengths God has gone to call us His own. He has not loved us from a distance, but has thrust Himself fully into the brokenness of our story to bring us securely into His forever family. He interceded on our behalf, at just the right time, to make us His own. In the gospel God says, "I see you where you are and I'm coming after you!" This is Christmas - the crescendo of that emphatic declaration.

ADOPTION: AN ECHO OF THE CHRISTMAS STORY The gospel of our adoption, making its vivid debut that night in Bethlehem, acts not only as the emphasis behind why but also the model of how we as those adopted into the forever family of God are called to forever give our families to those who need them. Christmas is ultimately the story of God stepping into our darkness in order to bring light into it. It, above any and all other motivations, compels us to do the same on behalf of the vulnerable, marginalized and orphaned in this world. It is impossible for us to truly celebrate Christmas without considering both its implications for us and its expectations on us - to do for them exactly what God has done for us through Jesus.

In light of the gospel and the story of Christmas we can no longer remain on the peripherals of the plight of others, but must, at just the right time, meet them where they are by interceding on their behalf. Their brokenness no longer just theirs, but also now ours. An old story forever being rewritten by a new one. A better one. A brighter one. Together.

Adoption begins with our willingness to step foot into darkness, not merely to pull a child out of it but to bring light into it. This is exactly what Jesus did for us and what we are therefore compelled to do for them. We do not strut into their stories with a cape on our back but crawl into them with the Cross on our shoulders. We are not the rescuers, but the rescued. We are not the heroes, but on every occasion seek to point to Him who is. Our Hero has come. Emmanuel. God is with us. Nothing will ever be the same.

In the end, the echoes of Christmas in adoption beautifully reverberate in forever-altering terms. A taking on of one story and writing a new one. A better one. Together.

Nothing will ever be the same.

This. Is. Christmas.

I hope you all have a very, very Merry Christmas. Please take some time to simply be still and allow the joy and truth of the Christmas story soak into your spirit. You won't regret it.

Christmas Giveaway! Closed!

UPDATE!
Our giveaway is now closed. Thank you so much for your support!
We are very appreciative of those who participated!

And the winner is....

Thank you, winner, for your support and we hope you enjoy your new Tablet!

For the rest of you that donated, your name will be put on one of our Puzzle Pieces!
Thank you for being a part of our story!
_________________________________________________________________________________

Christmas is coming up fast! 8 days to be exact!!

Do you know anyone that might want a

Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 (7 inch Tablet)?!

Now is your chance to WIN one!

Not only could you win one for $10, but you will also be helping a BIG cause!!

Your donation will actually help not one, but TWO Robinson families provide a forever home for a child.

You can read more about our brother and sister in law's adoption journey here.

All you have to do is contribute through the Paypal button below.

$10 per entry

$25 for 3 entries

AND after you make a donation, if you share this post with a comment on Facebook,

we will give you an additional entry for FREE!
(Please use the Share feature on my facebook post, so I will see your share)

This give-away will be active for today and tomorrow only!

We will be drawing Friday night at midnight (central time)!

We will shoot a video and post it on our blog to announce the winner.

It will ship from Amazon on Saturday, December 19 and 

should arrive at the address of your choice JUST IN TIME for Christmas.

Thanks in advance for helping us along on our adoption journey and remember to SHARE!

Please click here to view product description.

*All proceeds will be divided between the Justin Robinson and the Jarred Robinson families

and will be used to fund their adoptions from China.

Check out our Puzzle Fundraiser here!

Putting the Puzzle Together

It's fundraising time!! You have seen the pictures of our boy. You have read about our first moments with him. Many of you are cheering us on as we pursue his adoption and we are so thankful! We have a lot of time and paperwork to conquer between now and bringing him home. But one of the biggest hurdles is going to be the finances. We all know adoption is expensive. That is a little bit of an understatement. But it is one of those few things in life that is simply worth it.

So we have a puzzle. It has 500 pieces.

Every person who makes a donation to help bring Qi Long home 

will have their name written on the back of a puzzle piece.

(If you would like to be an anonymous donor, we will write that instead of your name.)

As donations are made and pieces are added, we will put the puzzle together as a family.

When the puzzle is complete, we will hang it in a double sided glass frame.

We can't wait to be able to flip the puzzle over and show Qi Long

how many people care about him and helped bring our family together.

Anytime he questions his self worth, anytime he wonders if anyone really loves him,

anytime he is unsure if God is really there or cares, 

he will be able to read the names, some names he may never know personally,

but he will see them there. And it will be a small piece of reassurance for him.

If you would like to add a piece to our puzzle, please follow the following link. 

You can donate directly to our agency or to us through Paypal. Both methods will help us with the amount to keep our process moving. If you have any questions at all, email us here! And please share with your friends!

Click Here to Donate 

Or Here

We can't wait to show you our completed puzzle! 

One in a million

You know how I said the other day that my world was about to change? Well, it has. In all honesty, I really don't know if I can faithfully put into words what we experienced on Friday. But I will try my best. It will actually be good for me to get it written down. It helps me to process.

So, surprisingly, I wasn't as nervous on the morning of as I thought I would be. We got up and ate our last breakfast at the hotel. I felt a little bit better. My throat wasn't hurting anymore, but the sinus pressure was still there. We held hands and prayed together as a family in our hotel room, asking for grace and peace and to feel better at least for the time there. We checked out, and then our guide was there to pick us up. We chatted a little with her on the way, but it was a quiet ride and my heart was at rest. I honestly think it helped that we had been to the outside of the orphanage before. I recognized where I was and I knew when we were getting close. It's never fun to not know where you are or how much longer it will take to get there or what it will look like once you get there. So I think the absence of those fears alleviated a lot of my anxiety. 

When we arrived, we met one of the directors. She was a young girl who, surprisingly, spoke very good English. She showed us to the playground where she asked us to wait while she went to get our "boy" as they referred to Qi Long throughout the morning. We stood there awkwardly, until I finally saw a little face walking toward us. I recognized him from 20 feet away. I had no idea if he would look anything like the pictures we had seen. You never know if the pictures are old and what kind of things have changed since then. But he looked exactly the same. No, I take that back, he was even cuter. There was a bit of awkward silence when he first got there, and he began to cry. I knelt down and said hello, but it didn't really help at all. He wasn't hysterical or anything, it was just a soft, I have no idea what is going on right now, cry. We had brought some snacks with us per the guides recommendation, and he took the snacks, but it didn't change the fact that he was just uncomfortable. Which is completely understandable. 

 After a few bites of the snack, I tried to ask him what he had been doing in class and he just looked at me. Then I told him that I really liked his shoes. And he looked down at his shoes and looked at me and then began to walk back toward the door where he had come from. The director walked with him and talked to him for a little bit, and they decided to go back inside. We stood there talking with the guide for a little bit. She encouraged us that this was totally normal. It's obviously a hard situation.

Outside of his classroom

So we stood outside for a little bit and the director finally came back out with no little boy. My heart sunk a little bit and I thought for a moment she was going to tell us that it just wasn't going to work out. I asked if maybe they could bring out one of his friends with him and that might help him be more willing to play on the playground with us. But she said that she spoke with the teachers and they thought it might be best if we came to his class and saw him in his environment. Of course! They had originally told us that we couldn't come inside, so I was thrilled to be able to see a little bit more of his life. However, they said we couldn't take pictures inside to respect the privacy of the other children. Maybe we would try to pull him aside later on for some pictures with him.

So we went inside and he was still a little sniffly, but he wasn't crying anymore. The teacher told us it was snack time and asked if we had anything to share. Luckily, we came prepared. I don't know what inspired me to buy so much food, but I just didn't know what to bring, so I bought a lot. We had found some cheese balls at the store and I was excited and bought two bags. So I gave those to them and they opened the bag for Qi Long. That sweet little boy walked around to every kid in his class and served them cheese balls. Then he walked up to Sean and gave him a few, then Stephen, then me and Justin. That was our first successful contact with him and it was on his terms. He cautiously placed a cheese ball in my open hand and for the first time we had eye contact. After another round of serving his friends, he finally ate some himself, the whole time keeping one eye on what he was doing, and one eye on us.                 

The kids each went and got their cups and as the teacher poured them some water, I decided to move in a little. I went and sat down behind him and asked him if he wanted to drink some water. He turned and looked at me and our eyes locked. I could see his wheels turning in his head and I wish I knew what he was thinking. It was almost as if he just wanted to know if I was real, if he could trust me. All I could do was stare back at him and right before his teacher came by to pour his water, I was able to touch the back of his head and say I love you. And then the moment was gone, but as he slowly drank his water, I prayed that he would remember the words. 

At this point, we still didn't know what they had told him. Who were we and why were we here? We had talked to our guide and asked her, but she didn't know. We talked about how we all agreed that maybe it was too early to really talk about us adopting him and that we were just friends that wanted to play with him and his friends. But as I sat down on the floor behind his chair, the teacher got up and said that Qi Long's mom and dad were here and told the children to tell us hello. Justin and I looked at each other and shrugged and thought, Well ok. Here we go! 

The kids sang a couple of songs and did their motions. He kept watching us to see if we were watching him, which of course we were. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He did so well at his motions and even giggled a little when they all patted their bottoms at one part in the song. (He will fit in well with our boys.) When we first got there, I had asked if I could teach a song, to hopefully break some of the ice. When they got finished with their songs, the teacher announced that I was going to teach a song. So we spent a few minutes working on an old classic, Head Shoulders Knees and Toes. They all did a great job and it was so much fun. Qi Long had been softening up the whole time, but I think this was when his walls came down. He was grinning from ear to ear and he laughed and giggled and jumped and did the motions. Every time we went a little bit faster, he laughed even harder. It was beautiful. I can't wait to hear that laughter in our home. 

Next they got out some music instruments for the kids. Qi Long got two pair of clappers and a little
bit into their first song, he gave one pair to Justin who was sitting behind him. They got up and marched around the room with their instruments. Every time they did it again, he would walk all the way to the back of the line. He would never cut in line. They are doing a great job at this place teaching them manners. I've lived around here for over 2 years and I have never seen a grown adult go to the back of the line and patiently wait his turn like this little 5 year old boy.

After a few circles around the room, music class was over and we were told that it was time for them to go to lunch, so it was time for us to go. We gave the teachers all the extra snacks we had brought. Sean had carried around a miniature soccer ball we had bought the whole morning and Justin told him to give it to Qi Long and he did. He came over to me and gave the ball back to me and walked away. I called his name and he turned around and looked at me. I held my hand out and asked him to come back and when he did I told him that we wanted to give him the ball and asked if that was ok. He gave me a little grin and nodded his head. And then he walked back over to Sean and gave it back to him. Haha. So our guide asked him to come outside and we invited him to take some pictures with us. It was a hard picture to take because it was all I could do to not scoop him up into a big bear hug. We wanted to give him his space. But as Justin rested his hand on Qi Long's shoulder, he slowly began to lean into his leg and by the last few pictures Justin had his arm all the way around him. We gave him a little teddy bear and told him it was his very own bear. His little eyes lit up and when I asked him if we could come back to visit, he nodded his head in agreement.

We watched him walk away with his class and headed downstairs. Because I knew it was coming, it actually wasn't as hard as I thought. Of course, I didn't want to leave him there, but knowing,from what we saw, that he was in good care gave me much relief and I could breathe easier than I had before. Now, after a couple of days, the reality is beginning to sink in of how much longer we have. I woke up this morning wishing he was in the other room. I turned Christmas music on this afternoon and just felt an aching hole in my heart because it's so hard to celebrate with us here and him there. I can't explain it. I don't have anything to compare it to. But it just hurts. I wonder how he is doing. I wonder how he is processing everything. I wonder what he thinks and I wonder at how confusing it all must seem to him. We gave him a picture of our family and the director told us that his caretaker in the evenings would show it to him and they would talk about the picture and what it meant.

As we left, she told us that she thought it was actually good that we had a lot of time. So that he would have enough time to process what was going on. The ladies that we met seemed to genuinely care about him and I hope that it's true. We want nothing more to than to spend more time with him, but she told us that we could probably only come back one more time before we pick him up. That will be hard, but I understand why. It's hard for the other kids too. We can send him packages though, and we intend to do that regularly with things that he can share with his class.

As much as it hurts to wait right now, we are so thankful for the time that we had with him. We have tried to be serious about the paperwork since we started and I feel like we have done pretty decent. But now, more than ever, I have a motivation to keep me going. Qi Long is no longer a picture on our wall and a file saved on our computer. He is a real, living, breathing, laughing, crying, jumping, smiling little boy. He knows our faces and hopefully, he knows that we think he is special. So, here is to fundraising. Let's bring this boy home!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow our lives are going to change. This whole process has already been a huge roller coaster. Our lives have been changing dramatically over the course of the last 3 months. But the change has been more subtle, almost other-worldly. But tomorrow, we will come face to face with a little boy who most likely doesn't even know we exist as he lays his head down. We will be able to see how he smiles, how he laughs (hopefully), some of his likes and dislikes, hear his voice and we have no idea what to expect.

I had to grasp to hold myself together tonight as we were buying a frisbee to take with us to play with. He most likely has never seen a frisbee. Frisbee is one of our family things. Justin and I began our relationship by playing frisbee together and it was our favorite activity to do together during our first year of marriage. (We had the coolest frisbee that lit up and we would go to the park at night and play. Yeah ok, we are dorks. End side note.) Anyway, the thought of us getting to teach him how to play frisbee and to join him in on one of our family favorites gave me the cries. Hopefully, we don't hit him in the forehead on the first throw and completely ruin every here-after experience with a frisbee for him.

Jokes all aside, this is a big day. For all of us. We aren't sure what he knows and we trust and respect whatever the orphanage sees best for him in that area. We are completely fine being a couple of really nice people that want to come play for a while. But either way, we are praying that Father will cover our entire 1-2 hours with him with complete peace that passes all understanding, for every one involved. Please help us pray over these specific points today:

*I have been feeling pretty under the weather since last night. Pray that I will wake up refreshed and that I won't be battling with snot all morning tomorrow.
*Pray for language. He most likely has been raised speaking Cantonese, and we speak Mandarin. He has just now started school though, so there is a chance that because Mandarin is the official language of China that maybe he will understand some and we will be able to communicate with him.
*Pray for relationships and bonds to be formed immediately and that the threads that God has already begun weaving will continue to multiply into a beautiful tapestry of family.
*Pray for permission to come back again. The orphanage required that we have a guide from our agency come with us, and I am thankful that she is coming this time, but we are hoping that we can build a good relationship this time, so that we can come back again without having that expense. But mainly we are asking for permission to return, guide or no guide.
*Pray for our hearts as we have to leave. We have been warned by friends that leaving the kids there is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and I am preparing myself to be broken. But I am praying that peace will rule and that I will be able to know that he is in good hands. And even if it doesn't appear that way, pray that my heart will have peace in His timing.
*Pray for his heart and mind as he processes whatever happens in his 5 year old world tomorrow.

Thank you all so much! I am so so excited to be able to share this journey with you, finally! Hopefully, I will have pictures to share tomorrow night!

We got in!

12/1/2015

10 days later...10 days of having our email set as the home page. Looking and looking for a reply. Checking email at least every hour, at least until I know that there is most likely no chance our case worker is still awake in the States. And sometimes, just staring at the screen, clicking the refresh button, willing the inbox to give me a big, bold number "1."

Waiting paid off and we finally received a reply today. The orphanage said that we can come for a visit!


12/7/2015

So after some conversation back and forth, we decided on Monday December 14, would be the day for our visit. We had told them we were available as early as the following weekend, but it turned this was the best time for them and we sighed a breath of relief because really, we needed some time to prepare. Apparently, we didn't put that waiting time to the best use. haha.

However, as it turns out, (life is funny with howevers!) we ended up needing to travel to the same city this week for some passport issues. We were going to be here from 12/7 to 12/9 and asked if there was any way they could let us in on one of those days. We even did the unthinkable and didn't pre-purchase our return train tickets. (Have you ever stood for a 4 hour train ride, with 2 children? We have!)

We waited, again, on pins and needles....(Is there ever going to be a wait in this process that doesn't feel like you are going to jump out of your skin at the slightest incoming email?)...we received good news. We could go see him while we were in town and save ourselves the back and forth travel next week, but we had to wait until Friday. We were planning to go back either tomorrow afternoon after our doctor's appointment, or Wednesday afternoon just in case she emailed us Tuesday night saying we could go. First thing is first, we aren't among the rich and famous (well famous could be questionable in our small town, but definitely not rich) and hotels aren't as cheap as you would think in Asia. Especially not the soft bed variety. But to save ourselves from double train rides in one week with an almost 2 year old that had to throw his Paci away 2 weeks before? We are going to live it up (do the best we can with said almost 2 year old who just threw his paci away 2 weeks ago) here in the hotel life. What will get me through? My living space cleaned, breakfast cooked for me AND my dishes washed?? I may need intervention when I get back home after almost a week here.

Open Doors

When we found out about our PA, our case worker asked us if we wanted to request again to be able to visit him. The first time we requested was before we submitted our Letter of Intent to adopt him, and they said we could not visit until we had some sort of official paperwork. Normally, this means all the way to Letter of Approval from the Chinese government, after the dossier is approved. But since we received our PA in the beginning of the process, she told us that she thought it was ok to go ahead and ask again. 

We had several questions about this. Is this really the best thing for him? Could we cause more damage to his attachment and bonding to us when we come visit and then leave him there? We he trust us when we are finally able to take him home for good or will he assume that we will leave again? Should he know who we are and that we are trying to adopt him or do we come in as friends who want to play? Can we emotionally handle going to see him, getting to know him and then leaving him there? What about the other kids at the orphanage? How will it affect them if we are coming to visit Qi Long and they don't have anyone? How will I fight wanting to be able to take every single one of the kids home with me? So many questions, many selfish, many fearsome.

We thought about it for 3 days after we received our PA and we finally came to the realization that whatever the outcome and whatever the setbacks or advantages of meeting him this early in the process, we felt like it would be worth it. We spoke with others that live internationally and heard experiences both good and bad about visiting their children during process. And we believe that Father has put us in this position and given us this amazing opportunity, and we need to trust Him to work out the details. We don't even know if the orphanage will say yes, and that will be our answer. But if He allows us to go visit him, we are willing to take a step of faith and leave the details of whatever comes in the future for him to solve. He will make a way. After all, He makes ALL things work together for the GOOD of those who love Him. We keep our eyes on Him and lean not on our own understanding and He makes our paths straight. 

Please pray with us for open doors!

Pre Approved!!

We received our Pre-Approval today!!!!!

We came back home from traveling yesterday and I woke up this morning in my usual post-travel state of exhaustion and didn't want to get out of bed. I opened the computer to check my email expecting there to be nothing there, like there never was, so it seemed. My mood immediately changed to elation when I read the subject line, Pre-Approval! I called Justin and the boys in and they came running and together on our bed this morning we read the words that we have been waiting to hear. He is ours and we are going to fervently pursue bringing him HOME!

And now we can finally share his sweet little face with YOU!!

Chen Qi Long

Birthday: 3/15/2010

I know a mama's heart is always biased, but he just has the sweetest face. We feel like he just looks like he belongs to the R family! :)

A few questions that we have asked ourselves and received encouragement about:

1. What is a PA? This is a statement from the government of China that our family is officially promised to this child and no one else can view his file. In a nutshell, we have 6 months to finish our paperwork and submit our Dossier packet to China and then they will go over our information and issue a formal Letter of Acceptance, and after a little bit more paperwork between the US government and China, we will be given a travel date to go pick him up. 

2. What could happen from now until we pick him up that could change our status with him? Can this PA later on get denied? We asked our case worker these questions and of course there are always things that can happen, and she encouraged us that she had never seen that happen. The only time someone would not receive approval after receiving PA is if they were not telling the truth in their original paperwork. People have stopped the process on their own after receiving a PA, but she said it is very rare for someone to have a disruption for some reason outside of their own control. Basically, she told us to relax. Haha.

3. And our really really big question...Since we live nearby, are we allowed to meet him now? We have submitted a request to go visit him. Our agency frequently works with expats and our case worker says sometimes the orphanage says yes, sometimes they say no. All we can do is try and then wait. We are becoming professional wait-ers. 

A Decade Ago

10 years ago, I married a man that I didn't think I could be more in love with than I was that day. Little did I know just how much we would grow up over the years and I know most couples out there would be able to agree with me at how much better marriage gets with time!! It honestly feels weird to say we have been married for 10 years, because it doesn't seem like we should be that old!

My husband has taken me on some of the greatest adventures of my life. He has taken my hand and led me outside of the little box that I might prefer to live inside and shown me that there is so much more to this life than the comfortable! He has shown me how to appreciate. How to appreciate the little things, the beauty that is all around me, and how to find the good in what might seem like a bad situation. We have been to some of the lowest valleys together and have been to some pretty high mountain tops. There are so many more mountains to climb and I cannot imagine living life with anyone else but him. I am so grateful to be able to share my experiences in life with my best friend.

As we continue on this adoption journey, my husband is my source of encouragement, my voice of reason and my truest friend. He has lead me this far with grace and integrity, he is patient with me through all of my doubts and fears and he guides me in the path of righteousness in all that we do. Neither of us are perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we are better people because we have each other. I realize what a blessing that is in this world and I lay my head down every night thankful for such a man. He is my hero.

Our actual anniversary is not for another couple of weeks, but it's in the middle of Thanksgiving weekend and we decided to celebrate a little early. We were able to spend 2 nights together, all alone, in one of our very favorite cities in the world. It's a beautiful place with rich culture and lots of really good food!! We are so thankful for our friends, the G family, who took such good care of our kiddos while we had this much needed time to celebrate 10 beautiful years together. Looking forward to the next 10!

The Announcement

I was really hoping to be able to announce our adoption publicly on my birthday, but I honestly didn't have time to sit down at the computer, so we waited until today, in honor of Orphan Sunday to announce. Here is the picture we posted on Facebook.

We are so thankful for the love and support and encouragement and just excitement that we have already received from so many people! It really means so incredibly much to us!

Turning 30

I turned 30 today. For the past 3 years I have been semi-dreading this birthday. And not really for the reason of I'm getting old. Partly that, but in all selfish honesty, I have been sad that I wouldn't be with all of my friends and family for my 30th birthday. It has been a year of big birthdays in my family. Everyone is reaching new milestones together. And they are all going to be having big parties, and I'm not.

I'm not ashamed to admit it. I love parties. Especially when they are for me. My husband and my dear friends here have done a tremendous job at making sure that I feel loved and appreciated on my birthday since we have lived overseas. Actually, the husband has done more for my birthdays here than he ever has, because he knows that it's usually that important to me. And normally, I would try and plan an extravagant birthday trip or party here with our good friends. But this year, even with all of the anticipation of turning 30, I just didn't want it all. I've actually had a very good day with my family and friends here and I have had a lot of time to reflect.

This year my birthday is very different, because this year I finally meet the age requirement to adopt from China. It's a milestone that most people don't celebrate. But as I sit here and think about the face in the picture that we look at so often, there is no where else I'd rather be, than right here writing a blog about my 30th birthday and how it has changed my life. My life will never be the same as it was when I younger than 30. Not just because of the aches and pains that, apparently all of a sudden just appear the moment you turn 30! But because I am now allowed to bring a child into our home and give him a family and unconditional love.

30 feels good!

The Name

Ok, first of all, if you know my record with baby names from the past, you know that names are very important to us. We love giving our kids names that reflect our prayers for them, what God has done in our lives through them, and what we want our kids to know about God. This one is no different!

I love Chinese characters. Like a lot. It really seems like they took the meaning of the characters straight from the Bible sometimes. From the way they are drawn, to the different parts that make up the character as a whole, to the meaning there is so much truth wrapped up into Chinese characters. And I love the emphasis that the Chinese put on naming their babies!

 Now, as a disclaimer, I will never be able to know the full truth of his name and why the person who named him chose the name. All I can do is take what is in front of me and make the best guess that I can, and after speaking with my Chinese tutor who knows a little more about the culture than I do, this is what I feel like has been laid on my heart.

Qi Long's full name is Chen Qi Long (陈其龙). The first character, Chen, is a very common surname here in China. In fact, most surnames are pretty common. It is almost as if everyone here is either named Smith, Jones, Williams, Brown or Miller. If you took the Top 25 most seen last names in America, 90% of China would have one of those names. The family name runs deep here and because of that, and also because China is not a melting pot like America, the surnames have been pretty well preserved through the years. But even though it's a common name, I still find great joy in the meaning of the character. Chen means to display, to exhibit, to narrate, to state, to explain, and to tell. I don't know if he had a note with him that said his name, I don't know if he was named after someone in the orphanage, but I do know that in our family, the purpose of our lives is to display the glory of God. How beautiful that out of the many surnames that are common here, this one was chosen for him.

His second character, Qi, was an odd character for me to figure out. It literally means his, her, he, she, or it, referring to no definite person or thing. When I first read this character, my initial reaction was that they thought he was a nobody, because he was abandoned. How awful. And my heart broke. But when we add the last character, it changes the meaning a little.

The third character is Long, a very important character in China. It means dragon. Throughout Chinese history, the dragon has had many roles, such as power, strength and good luck. But the most notable role of the dragon began in the Ming Dynasty as a symbol of the Emporer, a symbol of royalty. Even today, the dragon is considered the most revered zodiac of the 12 Chinese zodiacs. Anything good that happens, marriage, birth of children, a new business, buying a new house, etc...you want it to happen in the year of the dragon. The dragon represents the unrelenting spirit of the Chinese people and it evokes a sense of pride, much like the bald eagle does for us.

When the character Qi was combined with the character Long, my tutor pointed out that the Qi referring to no one definite was not meant for the boy himself, but who he belonged to and where he came from. By combining Qi and Long, his name is actually full of dignity. Because it indicates that yes, there is a mystery about this little boy and where he comes from, but also, that he belongs to someone very special and important.

The person that found him may have not known where he came from or what his name was, but we know that from the very beginning, from before the time that he breathed his first breath, Qi Long belonged to someone very important. He has always belonged to the very One that created him. We may never know why God chose Qi Long to have the story that he has, but we do know that God intends his story to be used for good. And he will now grow up in a loving home with a family that will always tell him how special he is and how he will always has been and always will be HIS dragon.

Out of Our Hands

Our case worker was pretty quick this time and emailed us our Letter of Intent (LOI) packet of more papers that we needed to get together. Luckily we have done most of the paperwork for our home study already and had most of the papers pretty handy. We typed up a letter and crossed a few t's and dotted some i's and got that packet sent off today. Now it's in someone else's hand and we wait.

Normally, this can take 1-2 weeks to hear back from China on whether or not they give us a Pre-Approval to adopt Qi Long. But we have heard it happening in as little as 4 days, so we are hoping for that!

We are so ready to share his picture with you!

Complete Joy

God is so good. When we pray, He listens. When we ask Him to speak, He does. He is faithful.

We received the updated special focus list from our agency this weekend. We spent the day yesterday looking through it and as we stopped and read each story, we couldn't shake the feeling that we were somehow "cheating" on our child. It honest to goodness felt like we were setting one of our children aside and trying to find someone else to replace him. It felt horrible.

We spent Sunday morning in fellowship with our friends, like we do every Sunday. We spent the morning praying together over our decision and what it would mean for us and for our future child. One of our friends told us that it seemed like we needed to decide which was more important to us, our life, our job, and our call here in rural Asia or our love and our call to this little boy. Justin and I decided yesterday afternoon that we were done fighting this feeling. Maybe what we had been seeing as a closed door, wasn't a closed door. We decided to allow ourselves a little more time of opening our hearts here. We had spent the last week trying to shut him out of our hearts, but it wasn't working. So we began to talk about what a decision like this would mean for our family. We had come into this journey planning that we would add a member to our family and live life like we had been living. A new life of course, with its own challenges and chaos, but for the most part, no major changes, for example the location of our home. We ended up coming up with a couple of plans, let's call them Plan B, Plan C and Plan D. We figured it couldn't hurt to have enough to make it to Plan Z, right?

This morning, I woke up and decided to do some research. I began looking up information about expats living overseas with children that have special needs and I found some encouragement. I decided to write an email to our good friends who have a huge passion for our job and also a huge passion for adoption. I shared with them our struggles and our confusion and asked them how do you decide between one or the other? They replied back and encouraged us to truly seek the Lord and His heart and to trust as He leads. We know that we are in this town, today, for a purpose. And we need to fulfill that purpose well with our whole hearts. We also know that we are called to adopt, and we also need to fulfill that calling with our whole hearts. And we will worry about what tomorrow brings when we get there and trust God to do the leading.

So this afternoon, as I poured over the Scriptures, asking God to speak to me specifically today, He answered me. I went through many verses in Psalm that proclaim the importance of trusting in Him, our Rock and our Deliverer. And then I ended up in John 15. Such familiar verses to so many of us, especially in our lives for the past 2 years. A theme in our company has been Abide. And I was reminded once again of the importance of abiding in Him and allowing Him to direct our paths. But for some reason today, John 15:11 stuck out to me, and I wasn't quite sure why, but I knew that it was something God was impressing on me. "I have written this, so that your joy may be complete." I opened my devotional that I have been reading through and flipped it to August 15, the day that Qi Long was found. And guess what verse was listed for that day. Yes, John 15:11. Not the whole passage, but just this one verse. And then this is what I read off to the side. "Joy is the experience of knowing you are unconditionally loved." A quote by Henry Nouwen. What more could God want a child of his to know on one of the hardest days of his life? That he was unconditionally loved.

We sent an email to our case worker tonight and told her that we were ready to take the next steps to make Qi Long a part of our family. We don't know where this next year will lead us. He could have medical issues that take us away from our job, he could not. All we know is that he is already so unconditionally loved by us, but more than any one, by his Heavenly Father, who lavishly fills my heart with confirmation in the little details!

Worth It

We heard back from the orphanage and they are standing by what is in his files. They are saying that he does not have what our pediatricians are saying that he has and all he needs is some personal love and attention and that his medical delays will resolve on their own. We also received a video of him which, honestly ripped my heart in two. It's one thing looking at a picture and another thing watching a video of a child playing and being a real human kid. A real human kid that doesn't have a mama or a daddy, or two brothers and a dog. He doesn't have anybody that is there for him no matter what. He no doubt has people that care about him and care for him, but it's not permanent. They go home and change shifts and his life is one big ball of who is coming next? But even though they are confident of this, it is still very hard for us to let go of what makes the most sense. Our agency encouraged us that you don't normally find such drastic differences in the files vs. doctors. But we all know that it happens. Are they lying, do they just not know, do they not have the resources to know truly what is going on with him? Or is it really what they say and it's just all a big coincidence that all of his symptoms point to this? Our realism says, "There is no way he doesn't have this. 2+2 always equals 4, no matter how you turn it. But our hopefulness says, "There's so much we don't know."

It's Sunday. Tuesday will be 3 weeks since we first saw him. Today is 2 weeks since we opened our hearts to the idea that he could actually be our son. And as of today we have spent 1 week trying to let him go. This is not a natural process of the heart. At all. But neither was my own adoption.

It wasn't natural for God the Father to send His own Son into the world to grow up only to die, in order for me to be adopted into His family. It wasn't natural to watch his Son grow up into a beautiful young man whose very breath was only used to bring glory to His Father, just to watch him suffer in agony and pain. None of that was natural, and yet it was worth it. God saw that I was worth it. And I know that no matter what happens on this journey, no matter how painful it is on the way there, in the end, whoever our son or daughter is, it will be worth it.

I am praying these words over this sweet little boy today. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11

Letting Go

This has been a really, really, really hard week. We haven't been through these kind of emotions in a very long time and they aren't very fun. We were on our way back home Monday and opened our email to find the responses we had been waiting for from our pediatrician. We also received a response from another doctor friend. Both of them shared their opinions on Qi Long's condition, which unfortunately revealed issues what we *thought* were in the clear.

Without going too much into detail, both of our pediatricians feel like he has some serious issues that we were not seeing. A couple of them, his file clearly stated that he did not have. But after hearing from the doctors, all of the signs add up and all of the signals are pointing to the fact that he does.

Going into this process, Justin and I both felt like we would be very open to many special needs that we have seen listed. But the more we thought about it and thought about our job and our family, we realized that as much as we want to, we just simply can't do some of the things that we normally could. First of all, we live in a very small town in East Asia and our medical care is not great. So anything that might potentially need emergency assistance is pretty much out of the question. Of course accidents can and will happen, just as with any kid, but when you know for a fact you are dealing with life and death, it's just not a possibility for us right now.

This diagnosis is literally rocking our world. We have to give our decision on whether we want to keep his file for good, or let it go back into the list for other families to view. And at this point we are really struggling to find our answer. Yesterday, we were all in, and today we have no idea what to do. They never tell you how hard it is to have to think about saying no to a child here. No one tells you about how quickly your heart can become attached to a picture. We all look at pictures of orphans and feel pity, but no one tells you about the grief that you go through in actually considering one of these precious children to be your own. Or maybe they did, and I just didn't listen.

At this point, we aren't quite ready to let go, but we can't say yes yet. There is still a strange small hope that it's not what it seems. But, we are letting his file go back to the list and are begging God to show us what to do. We know that if we aren't the family that was meant to bring him home, that we have to trust God to bring him the right family.

In the meantime, we are still going to send our questions to the orphanage and see what they say and just pray for guidance.

I think I'm in.

Today was the day. Sunday. We were headed out to try and get more information in order to make one of the most important decisions we have ever had to make. As we were riding in the taxi on the way, all of us were abnormally quiet. We realized later that we were all just nervous. None of us knew what to expect or what not to expect. We really were just jumping into the wind on this one. Our stomachs were in knots at the possibility of getting to see a little boy that could possibly be in our family. Scared that they would say no, but at the same time, scared that they might say yes. We so desperately wanted to know more about him, yet were so fearful of what we might find out. Could anything change what we were already feeling about this boy? And then here we were, standing on one side of a gate and he was on the other side. We could hear children playing, and we wondered if one of those laughs were from him.

The good news is that we went to the orphanage and we met one of the directors. He was super nice and seemed genuinely willing to help us. But the fact was that he couldn't just let us in. He seemed to know our boy right away when we said his name and he smiled. He said that his caretaker wasn't there that day, because it was the weekend and if we could come back the next day that he could possibly try to help us a little more and we could at least meet her and talk to her. But we weren't able to come back the next day. We had previous engagements that couldn't be changed. He gave us a lady's number and told us to call her and she could maybe help us. We told him thank you for his time and that we hoped to see more of him in the future and he smiled, shook our hands and said "I hope so too."

We spent the next little while walking around outside of the orphanage, praying not only for wisdom, discernment and guidance for our future, but also for Qi Long's future, with or without us, as well as the future of all of the other little boys and girls that live there. We prayed for the caretakers, for the people that give of themselves every day. They pour out their time, their love and their hearts to these kids and provide them with as much as they can give.

As we walked down the hill, Justin and I both looked at each other. He asked me how I was feeling, and I said, "I think I'm in." He said he was too. We looked at Stephen and ask him what he was thinking. And he said, "I'm in, too." We decided right there, standing outside of his orphanage that we were going to take a leap of faith and trust God to do the rest. We prayed and told God that we trusted him with all of our futures and that we trusted Him to close doors that needed to be closed or to open doors that needed to be opened, and to help us to know the difference. And the rest of the afternoon as we walked around the area, we looked at the face of every child we saw, praying that one of them just maybe, might have been his.

So here we are, we still don't know anything more about him, but we know that as far as we are concerned, we are all in.

We Just Have to Try

It's Friday night. We locked in Qi Long's file on Tuesday. (Technically, Monday, but wouldn't you know that our case worker is on vacation this week, so she didn't get the email right away.) She told us to let her know any questions that we had and she would ask the orphanage to clarify and that she would request a video for us. We contacted anyone that we knew that had any kind of connection with a pediatrician. We are recommended to have a pediatrician picked out for this very purpose, so that when you receive a referral and have a time limit, you can quickly get advice. Well, we didn't think we would be on this step yet, so we didn't have a doctor lined up. So we have been grasping for straws. I found out that the pediatrician we have used since Stephen was born is no longer in our hometown. I had to do some stalking, but I finally found him in a far away state and emailed his office trying to get in touch with him. They responded back and said that he was out of town until Monday, but to go ahead and email him and he would get back to us then. Why does everyone have to be on vacation during one of the most important weeks of our lives?! We sent his files to a few other friends, hoping someone would be able to give us some encouragement, one way or the other. And now we wait.

Another thing that drew our attention to this little boy is the fact that he lives fairly close to us, the province next door to be exact. The train ride is only 4 hours to the city where he lives, which is VERY close considering it used to be a 12 hour overnight train ride. Thank you technology for the fast train. I so wish America would make bullet trains across the country! As we have sat at home this week, thinking about him and praying for him, we can't help but think that we are in a place where we could literally just go visit him. Most people don't even have that opportunity simply because they live in America and the child is in China. It's not economically or logistically possible for most. But we are here! We asked our case worker if she thought we could go visit him, and she said she thought that would be wonderful, but she would have to ask the orphanage.

Did I mention the fact that she is on vacation? It's been a few days since we heard from her and we have to make a decision by Tuesday. If you have known Justin and I for any amount of time, you know that we are pretty spontaneous when it comes to travel. (Having small children is trying to cure me of that, but not quite.) We have talked about it all day and we just decided to go buy train tickets tonight and we are going to go tomorrow. We need to do some medical checks anyway, so while we are there, we are going to go to the orphanage and just see what happens. At the end of the day, I can't just sit here being this close and not try. In 4 days, we will make a huge decision for our family and for this little boy and if we have the smallest, slightest possibility of a chance that we could even just catch a glimpse of him, we are going to try.

Justin and I both are very much here and now, follow our hearts personality types. Sometimes, we feel foolish. Sometimes we feel like we live in a completely fictional world where we are almost 30 and we have two kids. We still feel 18 years old most days. But in the end, we know that God gave us our passions for a reason, and we are going to do our best to funnel that passion into things that bring Him glory. And He will have to be the one to slow us down because life is too short to live in a state of should I stay or should I go. Our default will most likely always be to go, to do, to see, to hear, to feel and to try. We have failed an awful lot of times, but we try. And we believe that this little boy is worth it. We don't know what to expect. Most likely nothing will happen. Most likely the orphanage won't let us in and most likely we will come home not feeling much different than we do right now. But we are praying for Father to open doors for us this weekend. We are praying that He will give us some guidance, even if it's in a different way than we are looking for.

Really Too Fast

So, you remember a few days ago when I posted about that list we got in the email, and how we felt like it was just too soon to be going there, and those 3 faces that we saw? Well, 2 of those faces in particular began to plague our minds this week. We just couldn't get them out of our heads. It didn't help that Justin had put their pictures on his phone and was looking at them any chance he got. So we decided to go ahead and ask for their files last night. It's just information, right? Maybe if we can read more about them, it will help us to know why we are thinking of them so much.

There was this one little girl, 3 years old named Samantha and  this little boy named Jesse, also 3. These were the two kids that we were dying to know more about. But there was also this other little boy named, Wesley. He is 5 1/2 and the very first night we looked through all of the pictures, his big eyes caught both of our attentions and there was just something different about him, so we decided to ask for his file too.

We received them earlier this evening and spent the night pouring over the English translations of their files. We decided to read them separately so that we could process what we were seeing and see if our thoughts and feelings matched up when we were done. After a while, we both looked up and knew that the other had a special one in mind. I know I was praying for his to be the same as mine and I'm sure he was too. And it was. We were both falling head over heels for the one that we almost didn't ask for. Little Wesley had captured us. The other two were still heavy on our hearts, and Jesse even had a video in his file where his caretaker told him to say hi to "mama." If that doesn't rip your heart out I don't know what will. While one of the hardest parts of the adoption process (at least in the beginning) is saying no to one child, but yes to another, we didn't feel a connection with the two that we originally did. But when we looked at Wesley, there was something different. It was almost as if he was already ours.

Before we ever even thought we were close to the point of looking at the children, I had been praying and asking Father to give me very specific confirmations about the child that He had picked out for us. I've always felt bad for my pleading with Him to give me signs, and wondering why I don't ever just trust Him to lead my heart, but I also know that my heart is deceitful above all else and I have to guard it, because it is the epicenter of my life in Him. When I am asking Him for confirmations, it's not that I don't trust Him to speak to me, I just don't trust myself to listen. He knows that I am hard of hearing and He has always been faithful to give me what I need to be able to trust Him with all of my heart.

One of the things that just brought me to my knees was reading the date that Wesley was found. It was very close to a really big date for our family. Two very serious life changes, two different places, with different people...A time when our life and this little boy's life had both changed in ways that no one will ever be able to fully explain to us on this side of Heaven, but somehow, Father was weaving our lives together and I found out about it today.

There were a few other details that poured a little more concrete into my unsteady heart, one profound. Justin and I talked about this boy for what seemed like hours. And we were so shaken by it all. We were hoping that reading these files would help us to let go of these images and help us to focus on the task at hand, but this was exactly the opposite. And it was so fast! Mind you, we JUST received our home study packet (which we were blowing through, yay! but still!!) It just did not fit the timeline we had written for ourselves. We had the option of locking his file for one week while we sought the advice of doctors and any other wise counsel we could find. We had promised Stephen from the very beginning that his opinions mattered and that we wanted him to be a part of this process. So before we went any farther, we asked him for his opinion. We showed him Wesley's picture again and gave him a few details of his story and waited for his reply. Stephen shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm cool with it." We looked at him and he looked at us and then a smile formed on his face. "What?" he asked. We said, "Really? You're cool with it?" And he said, "Yeah! I like him. Let's do it." Haha.

Now, for that to make sense, I have to include the fact that up until this point, Stephen was the least sold out person in our family. He was excited about adoption. He had been part of the conversation 5 years ago when he was only 4 or so. He has always been on board with giving another kid a family and he wants to be that big brother. But he hasn't been so sold out on the idea of a sibling from China. He worries about the language barrier, and we explain to him that just like we are learning Chinese here, our new child will learn English when they become part of our family. And we talk to Chinese people every day, even though we can't understand everything they say. We can almost always at least talk to the little kids! But something about having a Chinese speaking person as a member of our family has not made him very excited yet. Until tonight. Just in the carefree way that he said, "I'm cool with it," totally blew us away.

SO, with all of that being said, we sent an email saying that we were seriously considering Wesley, now we know his real name is Chen Qi Long, and we wanted to lock his file for the week so that we could continue to pray about him. So here's to finding out what God can show us within a week!

We Killed a Forest

We received our home study packet today! We received it all through email, but because I like checklists and to see paperwork with my own eyes to feel organized, I printed it all out. While I like to go in order of the checklist, Justin has started grabbing documents from here and there and making me scan them. We may do things differently, but we have the same end goal in mind, and for that I am so thankful for my husband. He has done more paperwork in this short month than I have ever seen him do and I am so proud of him. And after turning in our first few documents, I really don't care that we didn't go in order. We are getting it done. And that's what matters!

Also, as a side note, I have not drank any Coke in 10 days. Yep, I said 10 days. Our whole family has committed to fasting from coke and when we want to drink it, we take that moment to pray for our new kiddo. It really has been a joy.

 And I have also done my ab workout for 10 days straight. Ba-Bam!

Waste of Time

A couple of days ago, we received an email from the director of the China adoption program with our agency. We scheduled a Skype call with her to go over the specific process of China and she gave us a very good cliff-notes version of what to expect. She explained the difference between China's "Special Focus" list and their "Special Needs" list. The Special Needs list contains children that have milder special needs and this is the list used to make referrals to families once they have submitted their Dossier to China and have received their Log in Date. Most families will be matched to a child through this list and this is the process we are most familiar with based on our reading. The Special Focus list, however, is a list of children that have more moderate to severe special needs, have been on the Special Needs list for more than 2 months, or are in the older child category (over the age of 4.) and you can be matched with a child no matter where you are in the process. She told us that she had added our email to the monthly special focus list and this was really a surprise to us. We had been anticipating the time that we would be able to begin looking at waiting children, but we didn't expect it to be so soon. We got off of the Skype call and Justin was immediately checking the email. I was a little hesitant, just because it was so early and looking at pictures of kids that were waiting, somehow made it all seem so much more real. We have officially begun the adoption process and according to this lady, there is a chance we could see our future child when we open this email. I told Justin it was a waste of time. It was just too early. We hadn't even paid the money for our home study yet. We should wait until after our home study was done to begin looking at that list. In the end, we looked. And there were faces. 3 of them to be exact. And each of us have our favorites. But we ended the night tonight agreeing that at this point in time, this list is available to us so that we can pray. Pray for our process, pray for all of these children, and pray for our future child, whoever he or she is.

The Joy of Answered Prayers

We just got off of our Skype call with the agency. We went into this call pretty certain that we would be proceeding with either Bulgaria or Ukraine, and not China. We were ok with that, actually. China was still the first choice in our hearts for obvious reasons, but we were more concerned with our child coming home than we were where he (or she) was coming from. After over an hour of talking, or listening really, to all that he had to say about each program, we ended with one question. Knowing what you know about our situation and what our obstacles are, what would you do? What would your recommendation be? And he very matter of factly said, "Oh, China, all the way. Without a doubt. If these are the only obstacles you have, don't even worry about them. Get your credit card out and pay for that home study to get started." We couldn't really believe what we were hearing. What we thought was a definite no for us, ended up being not a big deal at all. We closed the laptop, and I fell into J's arms almost in tears. I told him that I had never really felt this feeling before. For most of my adult life, I have felt the joy that comes through sacrifice and suffering. But this was one of the first times that I can remember feeling the elation of knowing that Father was simply blessing my socks off, just because He could and He wasn't asking me to sacrifice anything in my heart's desire to receive that blessing. We are adopting a child from China! I can't help but see the face of my new little one in the face of every precious set of eyes that I see walk past me all day long. There is a God-shaped hole there for someone I have never met before and I am loving the warmth of feeling Father's love for me in this way. I know that there are valleys to come, but for now...I am grateful for the mountain top and I am enjoying the view!

Let the Hurdles Begin

We received a reply from our application yesterday. There were a few initial details that were going to make it difficult to adopt from China. All three of these, we already knew about, but were hoping that the agency could find ways around them. We had heard from several people, that if there is a will, there is a way and your agency will help you figure it out. After a couple of replies, Justin and I began to realize that maybe China wasn't the option for us. And the strange thing about it, was that we are at peace with that. We just know that we are ready to adopt, and the fact that we live in China and can speak some of the language is a big, fat plus, but really, we are open to other places as well. We are looking into Bulgaria and Ukraine. Both of these programs we could get started on today without having to meet the steeper requirements of China. The only problem with Bulgaria is the wait time is considerably longer and we are hoping to be finalizing our adoption before we come back to the States for our furlough. And Ukraine is a good option for the timeline, but the process is not quite as organized as China and there are many unknowns within their program, such as not knowing anything about your child until you arrive in the country to meet them. We have a Skype call Sunday night here to talk about the different program options available. All we can really do is trust Father to lead us, just like He always does.

And So We Begin

We submitted an application with an adoption agency today. We have been praying over this decision  and avoiding it and praying some more for about 4 months now. Well, really for about 5 years, but most recently it has been a big conversation between us for about 4 months. A long time ago, in what feels like a different time and world, we felt a pull on our heart strings to pursue adoption. We had some friends at that time that were also talking about it and so we decided to go to an information meeting together. All I remember about that meeting is how overwhelmed I was with all of the information. We browsed through some files of waiting children in the US. At this time, we already knew that we wanted to move overseas, and we realized that adopting a child and then moving them out of the country right away was probably not the best idea for our family, and probably not even allowed with the adoption agencies. Also, I had received what I felt like a very real promise from the Father that I would be having a biological child soon. I began to question that promise 3 years down the road and even decided to forget about it as we packed up our house and prepared to move overseas. As we narrowed down where we were going to move to, we realized that we could adopt internationally, but the rules for China stated that you had to be 30 years old to adopt. So there was my easy out. Lo and behold, He is faithful and He absolutely did fulfill that promise of a biological baby to me, which we found out about 3 days before leaving the country for 3 years. Oh, the Creator and his sense of humor!

Fast forward round about 2 years, and we find ourselves in May of 2015. I had a very unique opportunity to spend some time with a friend in China as she was finalizing her adoption process. I spent 3 days with her and her newest member of the family and also met several other families that were there in her group. I remember the afternoon that everyone had finally received the papers they needed, and were waiting for a van to come pick them up and take them to an airport where they could begin the journey of taking these precious children HOME. I remember standing in the lobby of that hotel with a friend, sobbing from the weight of it all. The fact that these kids were orphans, and now they were not. These kids had no families, and now they had families that were going to love them forever. These amazing children had been through so much trauma, so much heartache, and yet right here in front of my face I was watching a story unfold for all of these kids that pointed directly back to how our Father cares for us. He did not leave us as orphans of this world. He chose us, He looked for us, He pursued us, He filled out all of the paperwork and signed on the line with His very own blood. He adopted us into His family. My friend and I, we watched one little girl in particular as she ran around playing with another little boy about her age. The two kids ran into each other and her poor little nose started to bleed. As she screamed, she ran and threw her arms around the legs of her DADDY. This little girl, who one week before had no one to pick her up and wipe away her tears, now was running into the arms of a Daddy. It was literally to much for my heart to contain at the moment. Thankfully my friend standing with me was able to speak and she began to pray out loud for all of these children and we spent the next few minutes as they all said their goodbyes to each other praying for these families, for the kids that were headed to surgeries as soon as they arrived in America, for siblings that were going to greet them, for language that had to be learned, for a hope and a future that their Heavenly Father so graciously had already planned for them.

It was a beautiful moment and as I sent pictures to Justin the next few days, he began to fall in love himself. I came back home that next week, emotionally drained from all that I had experienced and Justin informed me that we would both be turning 30 in the coming months. He had been looking up information and he was excited and he said we can do this now. Honestly, at that time my head was having a really hard time processing everything and I knew that we needed to take some time to pray about this. I was emotional and my stories stirred emotion in Justin's heart and we didn't want to be making any decisions just because of what we had been privileged to experience that week. Yes, it was a beautiful thing and no my desire to adopt had never gone away, but it was too much right now. Our life is too crazy and we can't handle adding another kid, especially through adoption. So we prayed. I begged for confirmation. I am a Gideon if I have ever seen one. I am not satisfied with wet wool or dry wool. I want big marquee signs flashing as I walk out of my bedroom in the morning. Actually, I need one above every doorway, because what if I misread the first one and jumped to a conclusion before it even finished scrolling. One day, I told Justin that we needed to convince his brother and sister in law to do this with us. They had always talked about it with us, but it wasn't a subject that had come up in a long time and it was just funny when we said it out loud. But really, that would be so cool.

We finally reached a point after praying and reading scripture, that Father had shown us that this is where He wanted us and we realized that it was no coincidence that He took me to spend those days with my friend and her little boy. He works everything together for the good of those who love Him and ultimately, for His glory. We felt sure enough that we were ready to start bringing it up with our families. So one by one, we made the phone calls. We were so nervous of the responses we would get. Would they think we were crazy, stupid, immature and just a bunch of dreamers? Because sometimes that's how we felt about ourselves. Or would they be supportive, excited and joyful? Because that was how we felt most of the time. We were talking to Justin's brother one night and Justin looked at me with those eyes and I nodded back at him giving him the signal to tell what we were so excited about, and you would not believe the message that we received before we could get the words out. "Well, we just wanted to let you know that we have decided to start the adoption process." Our mouths fell open and I may or may not have started squealing. We said, "No way! We were just about to tell you the same thing!!" I went to bed that night feeling more confident than I had ever felt before that we were on His journey. And we couldn't wait to get started. We still had to wait a little while for some approvals from our company, and I have never seen Justin work so hard filling out a form before in his life.

We clicked the SEND button today. And we have to pay money now. So there is no turning back, right? Woo-hoo!