Day 100

I have written an introduction to an update so many times and then deleted it. I'm really not sure how to begin this update. So I'm just going to begin it this way. It is just awkward enough to fit how I feel these days.

100 days. It doesn't seem like so long when I word it that way. Almost a third of a year...that feels a little longer. My perspective flip flops almost daily when I think about the amount of time that we have spent with Silas.

I've been trying to think of one word that I could use to summarize our first 100 days. I think I'm going to go with supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. That's what you're supposed to say when you don't know what to say, right?

All in all, life has been great. Really. When I take a step back and look at our life from a distant vantage point, we really and truly have a blessed life. It's impossible to not be grateful at the end of the day.  We have continued to share so many firsts with Silas and that is such a joy.

2. Playing dress up with brothers

1. Getting to know cousins

3. Trying to ride a bike

5. Driving!

4. Riding!

6. Video Games

7. Flashlights!!

8. Grocery shopping

9. Road tripping

10. Hiking

11. Halloween

12. Losing a tooth!

13. Animals!!

14. Getting dizzy on a tire swing!

All of these and so much more that I can't even begin to include on the blog! And we are still going. Almost daily we encounter something new. But along with all of these firsts that seem so great come challenges that aren't so much fun to talk about. It's funny how pictures can speak one thing and yet the reality of that picture can be something totally different. In every single picture that I just posted, there is an obstacle that we had to overcome or are trying to overcome still. Some of them are bigger than others. Some of them are totally normal, that every child deals with. Some of them are really good victories. Some of them are just plain hard. With almost every happy moment, there is a struggle of some kind.

Along with all of the fun firsts also come the hard firsts. The firsts nobody really talks about. The ones that remind you that you have absolutely no idea what you're doing as a parent. The ones that leave you praying to God for strength because you realize that you just can't do this on your own. The first time he tests his boundaries. The first time he tells you he doesn't like you. The first time he says he wants to go back to his old school. The first time he disobeys. The first time he lies to you. The first time that you have to discipline him.

Because after all, he is a child. He is just a normal kid who struggles with all the same things that all kids struggle with. Sharing, getting along with siblings, wanting his own way. But not only is he a normal kid dealing with normal kid things, he is a child that has zero reason to love and trust you. A child who really has no idea what love is. A child that is relying on you to teach him how this life works in literally almost every aspect.

This life is hard. And as a good friend of ours reminds us, adoption is not for the faint of heart. We wake up every morning not knowing what we will be dealing with and praying for good to come out of whatever it is. And then we go to bed every night talking about all we wished we had done differently and praying that good will come out of whatever happened.

But it's in those struggles that beauty comes. Sometimes it's immediate and it's rewarding and we can cheer. But other times, it's not immediate. Sometimes, it's not rewarding. Sometimes, it just plain stinks. But there is still beauty. I really have no clue why God chose me for this job. And even with all of the hard things, I am so grateful that he chose me. When I sit on the couch with him and he reaches over and wraps his little fingers around mine, I am reminded of how far we have come, how long I waited for him to be in my arms and how much God has done and is doing in his life and in our family, the tears of gratefulness fall. All of these things are necessary to his growth and understanding of who he is. As each day goes by, he is finding his place in this world. His place in our family. His place in God's family. And it is worth it. So worth it.

So when you see our happy pictures on Facebook, remember to say a little prayer for us. Yes, we are happy. Incredibly happy. But just with any Facebook post, there are hard moments that come with the happy pictures! I think it would do a world of good if we could remember that for everyone we encounter!

To Everything There is a Season

We are currently in the process of huge life changes. Not that any one event is really bigger than another, but the fact that we have several life changes happening all at once makes it BIG. We moved out of our house 5 days ago and said bye to our little rural town here in East Asia. We are spending a few more days with our team in the new town and in one week from today, we will be united with our son.

I haven't shared a whole lot of anything other than the adoption on this blog, but the adoption isn't the only thing happening in our family. We have also decided to move back to the States once the adoption is finalized. In 20 days we will arrive back in America for the first time in almost 3 years, to begin the next chapter of our life, which will include visiting lots of doctors and trying to figure out what our new normal is going to look like.

In October I wrote this post about finding out about Silas's medical condition. We had already fallen in love with this little boy and then we received news from our doctors that didn't "fit" into our puzzle. And then I wrote this one about the orphanage's response to what our doctors said. And finally, I wrote this post about how the Lord led us to commit to bringing Silas into our family.

I know we have been pretty vague in all of our conversations about Silas's medical needs. Mainly because we feel like that is his story to share. We don't ever want his needs to define him. He is first and foremost a precious, loved and cherished child of God and he is our son. He is a 6 year old boy who is shy and quiet, but that has a smile that completely LIGHTS up the entire room, especially when he sings head, shoulders, knees and toes. He also happens to have a form of Spina Bifida. This is what the orphanage said that he did not have, but our doctors both agreed that he most likely did. It was only through a small side conversation that I was having with the orphanage director through text messaging in March that we found out he for sure does have Spina Bifida. The extent and severity of his case we do not know yet, but we do know that he is very mobile. He most likely has hydrocephalus as well, although the orphanage says he does not. There are some other medical needs that come along with having SB, but hopefully they can be managed by having the right medical care that he simply isn't getting where he is.

When we found out in March that our medical diagnosis was right, we went through a period of grieving. Even though we assumed it was, we were still hoping for the best, and now knowing it for certain was a different feeling. I was tempted to become angry. Angry at the orphanage, angry at our agency. There is no reason that the miscommunication should have happened. The file should have been translated correctly. Did the agency really ask the orphanage the questions that we sent? Why didn't they push for more information when we pushed, especially with two American doctors backing us. Were they lying, or are they just that misinformed? But at the end of the day, we were certain that God had chosen this child for our family and we know that all of it, every detail, was all part of his divine providence to bring us together. In all honesty, if his file had said Spina Bifida at the top, like many others did, we wouldn't have stepped out to request his file. It's not that we weren't open to more special needs, but at that time, we knew that there were certain special needs that we couldn't handle in our season of life and in our location. But God knew better.

Back in October and November when we were praying and pouring over the decision to pursue his adoption or not, we sought council and we begged our prayer warriors to help us through it. One thing that was said to us was that God called us to where are living. He is the one that led us here and has guided every one of our steps, and He is not going to stop now. They said, if this is truly something that God is asking you to do, He will show you how and He will lead you. We trusted His calling to move overseas and now we had to trust His calling to move us away if that was the case. And one of our very best friends told us that we needed to decide if it was more important to live a certain life and have a certain job, or to follow the Lord where He led us. We prayed with our teammates and cried over the implications of what this could mean for us. Our decision to adopt Silas was not made lightly. Although it should have been an easy one, it was hard. I wish I could tell him someday that we just knew as soon as we saw him and there were no questions and it was a fairytale. But there were lots of questions. And I hope and pray that he will value the fact that we sought the Lord until we knew that we knew that we knew. And because of that, there are no "what ifs" or "if onlys."

As soon as we knew for sure what we were dealing with, we reached out again to our doctors and others who could help us. This time to doctors who have worked with our company overseas for 20 years and doctors that live and work here in our country. We asked questions about what life would look like here and where we could find the specialists we needed and as one email came in after another, we read the same statements. "With what we know, we really think that you would be better off in the States." "The specialties you would need aren't really available here." "In all of my years, I have never met a family with this specific need living overseas." We knew that staying in our current location was not going to be an option, but we were thinking maybe we could transfer to a bigger city possibly. And there were a couple of options, but in the end, with a few other factors about our job considered, we felt the Lord leading us back to America. There are times when that decision is very hard. We love our life here, for the most part, and we really love our job, our team, and our colleagues, and change is never easy. But that doesn't mean it's not good. And it's worth it. Totally worth it.

We have been asked a lot of "whys" and "hows" and "what about..." and "whens" about our decision to adopt, our decision to adopt Silas, and our decision to move home. I wanted to write this post today, not because I feel like I have to defend myself or that I need to clarify anymore than I have. But I write it because I need to know. Because the truth is that I ask myself these questions quite often. And the more I am asked by others, the more I ask myself the same questions and I have to constantly go back to the Father and allow Him to remind me of the answers. And I also know that if one person is asking me a question, most likely there are others that have the same one. So I want to attempt to answer a few of them here.

1. So you are just going to walk away from your job?
How I wish things were that black and white. I have had some serious angst over this for the past 5 months. I have struggled with this. I have felt guilt and shame and failure over this. This is a great post about unpacking the suitcase of shame for those in our field of work going home. Really, up until the last two weeks, I have struggled with this issue. But we just came back from a company wide conference that was 10 days long. We spent time with our colleagues, had fellowship and attended lots of classes and seminars. We walked away with so many exciting things to look forward to. We are not walking away from anything. We are only walking into the next chapter of our story. When we got on a plane to move to East Asia, we left our lives in the States, but that didn't make our family any less our family. In the same way, our heart for our work will not change. If anything, God has burdened us even more for our work and for as long as we can we will be very involved in what goes on here, from wherever we are.

2. Why would you choose to adopt a child with a special need?
My simple answer to this is we didn't. We chose to adopt a child, much in the same way that I chose to get pregnant with my biological children. God chose to match our family with a special needs child and we said yes. If the child in my womb had a special need, I would say yes to them too.

3. Aren't you worried about your biological kids?
I worry about my kids learning things they shouldn't learn at school and church and anywhere else they go. I worry about my kids safety. I worry about my kids as we drive down the road. I worry that my kids don't eat enough. But I don't worry about them having a brother. I don't worry about them thinking of someone else outside of themselves. I don't worry about them opening their hearts up to a child who needs them. I don't worry about the amazing ways God is growing and maturing them in this process. We are fully aware that there are challenges, big challenges, with adopting a child into our family, most of which we don't have a clue about yet. But living a life in pursuit of the Lord is something I desperately want to teach and model to my children. God doesn't call without equipping and I know that he loves my kids, even more than I do.

4. How can you just leave your teammates?
We don't take this one lightly. This has been one of the.single.most.heartwrenching parts of this decision. There have been many tears already and even more to come over this. In some ways that 99% of the people reading this will not understand, leaving our teammates is harder to think about than leaving America.  This is the subject that fills me with the most grief. But with all of that being said, no matter where we are in the world, we will always be a team. Our hearts and our lives have been knitted together in a way that I cannot accurately describe to you in words. Our relationship isn't ending because our residence does. We have been in prayer about this together for almost a year now. We talk frequently about it and our teammates are the most supportive people in our lives about this topic. Father is taking care of them, just as He is taking care of us. He has provided in ways we didn't even know we needed provision for. He has big plans for their future, and we are so excited for them.

5. Why China when there are so many kids in the US foster system?
That is absolutely right. There are so many kids all over the world that need homes. We are all one Body with many parts. I believe that God is calling people right now to adopt in the States. Maybe he is calling you to do just that? For right now, He is calling our family to our child that happens to live in China right now.

I'm sure that this opens up the floor for many more questions. We welcome them. Please don't be afraid to ask us. We are happy to share about our journey.

We have a difficult road ahead of us. One that will be marked with uncertainty, fear, confusion, grief, sadness, and many other difficult emotions and processes. But we also know that there will be joy, restoration, memories, and most importantly love. Even if not immediately, it will come eventually. We trust the Father who has began a good work to finish it to completion and He who has promised is faithful.

In His Presence

This morning I sat in awe and tears. For the first time in the last 6 years, I finally see the story of my life flowing toward a complete circle. There is a part of our adoption story that I haven't shared in detail here yet. It's so exciting to me to share this part of our story, however, I am struggling to put it into words. But today is the day.

I need to back up a few days, actually. You know how there is this app called Timehop? Well for those of you that may not know, it links to your Facebook and it shows you a daily picture of what you posted on your Facebook on that day for every year before. It's really been fun to see different posts I've made during different seasons of life, or pictures of my kids as they were younger. But then there are also days when I am reminded of hard stuff.

For those of you that don't know us or are newer friends, we lost our second son, Kristopher, through stillbirth 6 years ago on August 1 at 37 1/2 weeks. You can read more about our journey through all of that starting HERE. So, for the past few weeks, I've been seeing status updates that I had written 6 years ago as I was getting ready to give birth to him.  I've been reading as I posted about different moments of my pregnancy that were funny or special and even ordinary. I have smiled as I remembered that one time when he did somersaults in my belly after I ate Red Lobster, or all the nights that he kicked like crazy while I was trying to go to sleep. I'm so thankful I treasured those moments. And I have laughed at the funny comments that little 3 year old Stephen said about my big belly.

 Then on Thursday, I read this post:

And I cried. I cried because I realized that this was most likely the last day that I had spent with my baby while he was still alive. I cried because I wish I had listened to my body. I cried because of how different life could have been. I cried because I was angry, because I was sad, because it's just not fair. 6 years later and it's still not fair. It will never be ok. 

I'm not one of those people that give fluff answers. You will never hear me say something like "Everything happens for a reason." Or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." (Because He does. That's another post, though.) You won't hear me say, "Just hang in there. It will get better." You won't even hear me say, "I understand how you feel." I have always tried to be very honest about my experience of dealing with grief. The raw truth of emotions and words that sometimes we don't like to admit we felt or said.  I often hear people that have gone through the same kind of grief say something like, "I have to be grateful because if that hadn't have happened, I wouldn't know the kids I have now, or I wouldn't be where I am now if that hadn't have happened," and I'm happy for them that they find peace in those thoughts. But I can't even say that, because it took us 3 years to have another baby.  (It's a good story, you should read it sometime.) But I think to myself,  I could have totally had both of my babies and I believe God could have used some other experience to get me to where I am now. 

I don't know. Not here. Not now. I don't know. One day, though, I will see it all and understand it all clearly. 

BUT for now, on this side of Heaven...I AM grateful. I may not be grateful for what happened.  But I am so grateful to Christ for the hope that He has given me. I AM a different person than I was before. Whether I would have been changed with or without the loss of my son, I don't know. But I am thankful to have been changed. I am thankful that God didn't decide to leave me where I was in my sorrow, but that He taught me how to name it and to find the beauty and to make that beauty grow. And to find JOY. He showed me what it was like to be totally and completely dependent upon Him. Which is turns out is the only place I want to be.

 I will never forget the year following his death. How much I learned about who God is and how much I grew as His child. And if I am completely honest, as hard as it is to say, I would not trade that time of growing closer to Him for anything in this world, even if it meant I could have my baby back. Hear me say...I wish it could have been another way. Every day. For the rest of my life. But that is the event that God chose to use to mold me into who I am today. I don't understand for one second his reasoning, but I don't have to. Because I have learned to TRUST Him. I truly trust the Lord, more than I ever would have had I not been through this tragedy. I wish it had been something else. Anything really. A tornado, losing my house, anything. But I trust Him. And I love Him. Oh how I love Him. Because oh how He loves me.

And that brings me to today. 6 years later. Thursday night when I was crying over the Facebook status that I read, Justin held me and cried with me. And then he looked at me and said, "It's so not fair, but God is making it right again." And he is so right. That was the first time that it really connected. When I made the circle in my mind of where we used to be and where we are now. We are about one month (give or take a week or two) away from finalizing the adoption of our little boy in China. Chen Qi Long. Silas. (I still haven't written a post about his name, but I will.) Have you noticed that Silas is 6 years old? 

I have hesitated to post about this part of our story, because I think that honestly I feel a little guilt over it. When we were praying about adoption, we knew that we wanted a child that was around the same age that Kristopher would have been. Simply because it fit. It seemed right for our family. Stephen would be the oldest, yet Sean would still be the baby and it fit. In no way, shape or form will another child EVER be able to replace Kristopher, nor would we try to do that. But there is a small part of my heart that cries out sometimes, "Please don't forget!" But the fact that Silas is 6 years old is not even the point of this story.

Remember when we first received his file and we said that there were some facts that stood out to us that just really grabbed us? One of those was the day he was abandoned. I will never forget what I felt as I read the date that he was found. August 15, 2010. My heart literally felt like it stopped in my chest. Before I even read his story to find out where he was found, how old he was, how much he weighed and all of the other things that I eventually read through streams of tears,  Two weeks to the day after I had just begun to learn how to say goodbye to my baby,  this sweet baby boy having to say goodbye to his mommy. Two weeks to the day after I had experienced the worst pain of my life, she was experiencing the worst pain of her life. I knew that God had taken my heart and this precious little baby's heart and his sweet mama's heart and began the process of knitting them all together. Two moms without a baby and a baby without a mom. Two souls, two worlds apart, yet with two very broken hearts. And the only answer is Jesus.

Qi Long giving me so much more than a snack.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Silas was chosen by God to be our son. For many reasons, and God has confirmed that to me. But I can't deny that this piece of information was essential in me finding him. I don't claim to understand God's ways. And the struggles that we will face will not be easy. I would give anything to know who his mama is, who for whatever reason had to make the choice that she did, but still chose to give him life. In a world where she could have easily done otherwise. She chose him. But before she chose him, God had chosen him. And He also chose me.

So to try and wrap up my messy thoughts, back to this morning. Normally our family takes the day off on August 1 and does something special together. This year we are attending the first day of a huge conference. My kids are in VBS this week and we are separated by a few walls. And Justin and I are in meetings. And to be honest, I was a little sad that it would be this way this year. I knew it was coming. But I found out that I was right where God wanted me to be. In His presence. 

We experienced corporate worship for the first time in over 2 years this morning. We have had small group worship, either with a downloaded Youtube video, or Justin and I trying to fumble our way through a song on the guitar. (which please don't get me wrong, there is sweet worship to be found in small groups) But this was worship, with hundreds of other people. All lifting up their voices to the author and perfector of our faiths. Christ alone, Cornerstone. The weak made strong in the Savior's love. Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all. All I could do was lift up my hands and cry tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of relief, tears of feeling His love falling fresh on my weary heart. Tears of gratefulness. And then, on top of all of it, I was able to sit and listen to a sermon by the author that God used to completely change my life during that season of grief. And for the first time in 6 years, I saw the circle. And it's almost completed. I know it's not going to end. It will be a spiral and I will get to watch God do wonder after amazing wonder in my life from now until I go Home to be with Him. But today was priceless. And it was the exact gift that my good good Father knew I needed.

When I got back to my room before I had lunch, I checked Facebook really quick. And within the first 10 posts I read, two different friends of mine had posted about how they were grieving their babies who were gone too soon. Two different women who experienced the same kind of grief, at different times and with different circumstances, but the same broken hearts. Those two posts reminded me that I'm not alone. And that with each story of sorrow, there is a story of joy on the other side that God wants to give. If you are reading this and you have experienced loss, in any form, I am praying for you right now. I pray that you will find your circle. And that it will keep going until you see Jesus face to face.

I love you all. Thank you for sharing this day with me. Thank you for listening to my heart. Thank you for your prayers and for always loving me. Even through the rough times. Thank you for your messages and comments. They mean the world to me. Just the fact that you remember. I don't expect you to. And yet, you do. You know who you are. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Kristopher. I'm so glad Mommy and Daddy were able to worship with you this morning. Give Jesus a big hug for me. I can't wait to meet you one day, sweet boy!

One in a million

You know how I said the other day that my world was about to change? Well, it has. In all honesty, I really don't know if I can faithfully put into words what we experienced on Friday. But I will try my best. It will actually be good for me to get it written down. It helps me to process.

So, surprisingly, I wasn't as nervous on the morning of as I thought I would be. We got up and ate our last breakfast at the hotel. I felt a little bit better. My throat wasn't hurting anymore, but the sinus pressure was still there. We held hands and prayed together as a family in our hotel room, asking for grace and peace and to feel better at least for the time there. We checked out, and then our guide was there to pick us up. We chatted a little with her on the way, but it was a quiet ride and my heart was at rest. I honestly think it helped that we had been to the outside of the orphanage before. I recognized where I was and I knew when we were getting close. It's never fun to not know where you are or how much longer it will take to get there or what it will look like once you get there. So I think the absence of those fears alleviated a lot of my anxiety. 

When we arrived, we met one of the directors. She was a young girl who, surprisingly, spoke very good English. She showed us to the playground where she asked us to wait while she went to get our "boy" as they referred to Qi Long throughout the morning. We stood there awkwardly, until I finally saw a little face walking toward us. I recognized him from 20 feet away. I had no idea if he would look anything like the pictures we had seen. You never know if the pictures are old and what kind of things have changed since then. But he looked exactly the same. No, I take that back, he was even cuter. There was a bit of awkward silence when he first got there, and he began to cry. I knelt down and said hello, but it didn't really help at all. He wasn't hysterical or anything, it was just a soft, I have no idea what is going on right now, cry. We had brought some snacks with us per the guides recommendation, and he took the snacks, but it didn't change the fact that he was just uncomfortable. Which is completely understandable. 

 After a few bites of the snack, I tried to ask him what he had been doing in class and he just looked at me. Then I told him that I really liked his shoes. And he looked down at his shoes and looked at me and then began to walk back toward the door where he had come from. The director walked with him and talked to him for a little bit, and they decided to go back inside. We stood there talking with the guide for a little bit. She encouraged us that this was totally normal. It's obviously a hard situation.

Outside of his classroom

So we stood outside for a little bit and the director finally came back out with no little boy. My heart sunk a little bit and I thought for a moment she was going to tell us that it just wasn't going to work out. I asked if maybe they could bring out one of his friends with him and that might help him be more willing to play on the playground with us. But she said that she spoke with the teachers and they thought it might be best if we came to his class and saw him in his environment. Of course! They had originally told us that we couldn't come inside, so I was thrilled to be able to see a little bit more of his life. However, they said we couldn't take pictures inside to respect the privacy of the other children. Maybe we would try to pull him aside later on for some pictures with him.

So we went inside and he was still a little sniffly, but he wasn't crying anymore. The teacher told us it was snack time and asked if we had anything to share. Luckily, we came prepared. I don't know what inspired me to buy so much food, but I just didn't know what to bring, so I bought a lot. We had found some cheese balls at the store and I was excited and bought two bags. So I gave those to them and they opened the bag for Qi Long. That sweet little boy walked around to every kid in his class and served them cheese balls. Then he walked up to Sean and gave him a few, then Stephen, then me and Justin. That was our first successful contact with him and it was on his terms. He cautiously placed a cheese ball in my open hand and for the first time we had eye contact. After another round of serving his friends, he finally ate some himself, the whole time keeping one eye on what he was doing, and one eye on us.                 

The kids each went and got their cups and as the teacher poured them some water, I decided to move in a little. I went and sat down behind him and asked him if he wanted to drink some water. He turned and looked at me and our eyes locked. I could see his wheels turning in his head and I wish I knew what he was thinking. It was almost as if he just wanted to know if I was real, if he could trust me. All I could do was stare back at him and right before his teacher came by to pour his water, I was able to touch the back of his head and say I love you. And then the moment was gone, but as he slowly drank his water, I prayed that he would remember the words. 

At this point, we still didn't know what they had told him. Who were we and why were we here? We had talked to our guide and asked her, but she didn't know. We talked about how we all agreed that maybe it was too early to really talk about us adopting him and that we were just friends that wanted to play with him and his friends. But as I sat down on the floor behind his chair, the teacher got up and said that Qi Long's mom and dad were here and told the children to tell us hello. Justin and I looked at each other and shrugged and thought, Well ok. Here we go! 

The kids sang a couple of songs and did their motions. He kept watching us to see if we were watching him, which of course we were. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He did so well at his motions and even giggled a little when they all patted their bottoms at one part in the song. (He will fit in well with our boys.) When we first got there, I had asked if I could teach a song, to hopefully break some of the ice. When they got finished with their songs, the teacher announced that I was going to teach a song. So we spent a few minutes working on an old classic, Head Shoulders Knees and Toes. They all did a great job and it was so much fun. Qi Long had been softening up the whole time, but I think this was when his walls came down. He was grinning from ear to ear and he laughed and giggled and jumped and did the motions. Every time we went a little bit faster, he laughed even harder. It was beautiful. I can't wait to hear that laughter in our home. 

Next they got out some music instruments for the kids. Qi Long got two pair of clappers and a little
bit into their first song, he gave one pair to Justin who was sitting behind him. They got up and marched around the room with their instruments. Every time they did it again, he would walk all the way to the back of the line. He would never cut in line. They are doing a great job at this place teaching them manners. I've lived around here for over 2 years and I have never seen a grown adult go to the back of the line and patiently wait his turn like this little 5 year old boy.

After a few circles around the room, music class was over and we were told that it was time for them to go to lunch, so it was time for us to go. We gave the teachers all the extra snacks we had brought. Sean had carried around a miniature soccer ball we had bought the whole morning and Justin told him to give it to Qi Long and he did. He came over to me and gave the ball back to me and walked away. I called his name and he turned around and looked at me. I held my hand out and asked him to come back and when he did I told him that we wanted to give him the ball and asked if that was ok. He gave me a little grin and nodded his head. And then he walked back over to Sean and gave it back to him. Haha. So our guide asked him to come outside and we invited him to take some pictures with us. It was a hard picture to take because it was all I could do to not scoop him up into a big bear hug. We wanted to give him his space. But as Justin rested his hand on Qi Long's shoulder, he slowly began to lean into his leg and by the last few pictures Justin had his arm all the way around him. We gave him a little teddy bear and told him it was his very own bear. His little eyes lit up and when I asked him if we could come back to visit, he nodded his head in agreement.

We watched him walk away with his class and headed downstairs. Because I knew it was coming, it actually wasn't as hard as I thought. Of course, I didn't want to leave him there, but knowing,from what we saw, that he was in good care gave me much relief and I could breathe easier than I had before. Now, after a couple of days, the reality is beginning to sink in of how much longer we have. I woke up this morning wishing he was in the other room. I turned Christmas music on this afternoon and just felt an aching hole in my heart because it's so hard to celebrate with us here and him there. I can't explain it. I don't have anything to compare it to. But it just hurts. I wonder how he is doing. I wonder how he is processing everything. I wonder what he thinks and I wonder at how confusing it all must seem to him. We gave him a picture of our family and the director told us that his caretaker in the evenings would show it to him and they would talk about the picture and what it meant.

As we left, she told us that she thought it was actually good that we had a lot of time. So that he would have enough time to process what was going on. The ladies that we met seemed to genuinely care about him and I hope that it's true. We want nothing more to than to spend more time with him, but she told us that we could probably only come back one more time before we pick him up. That will be hard, but I understand why. It's hard for the other kids too. We can send him packages though, and we intend to do that regularly with things that he can share with his class.

As much as it hurts to wait right now, we are so thankful for the time that we had with him. We have tried to be serious about the paperwork since we started and I feel like we have done pretty decent. But now, more than ever, I have a motivation to keep me going. Qi Long is no longer a picture on our wall and a file saved on our computer. He is a real, living, breathing, laughing, crying, jumping, smiling little boy. He knows our faces and hopefully, he knows that we think he is special. So, here is to fundraising. Let's bring this boy home!!

The Name

Ok, first of all, if you know my record with baby names from the past, you know that names are very important to us. We love giving our kids names that reflect our prayers for them, what God has done in our lives through them, and what we want our kids to know about God. This one is no different!

I love Chinese characters. Like a lot. It really seems like they took the meaning of the characters straight from the Bible sometimes. From the way they are drawn, to the different parts that make up the character as a whole, to the meaning there is so much truth wrapped up into Chinese characters. And I love the emphasis that the Chinese put on naming their babies!

 Now, as a disclaimer, I will never be able to know the full truth of his name and why the person who named him chose the name. All I can do is take what is in front of me and make the best guess that I can, and after speaking with my Chinese tutor who knows a little more about the culture than I do, this is what I feel like has been laid on my heart.

Qi Long's full name is Chen Qi Long (陈其龙). The first character, Chen, is a very common surname here in China. In fact, most surnames are pretty common. It is almost as if everyone here is either named Smith, Jones, Williams, Brown or Miller. If you took the Top 25 most seen last names in America, 90% of China would have one of those names. The family name runs deep here and because of that, and also because China is not a melting pot like America, the surnames have been pretty well preserved through the years. But even though it's a common name, I still find great joy in the meaning of the character. Chen means to display, to exhibit, to narrate, to state, to explain, and to tell. I don't know if he had a note with him that said his name, I don't know if he was named after someone in the orphanage, but I do know that in our family, the purpose of our lives is to display the glory of God. How beautiful that out of the many surnames that are common here, this one was chosen for him.

His second character, Qi, was an odd character for me to figure out. It literally means his, her, he, she, or it, referring to no definite person or thing. When I first read this character, my initial reaction was that they thought he was a nobody, because he was abandoned. How awful. And my heart broke. But when we add the last character, it changes the meaning a little.

The third character is Long, a very important character in China. It means dragon. Throughout Chinese history, the dragon has had many roles, such as power, strength and good luck. But the most notable role of the dragon began in the Ming Dynasty as a symbol of the Emporer, a symbol of royalty. Even today, the dragon is considered the most revered zodiac of the 12 Chinese zodiacs. Anything good that happens, marriage, birth of children, a new business, buying a new house, etc...you want it to happen in the year of the dragon. The dragon represents the unrelenting spirit of the Chinese people and it evokes a sense of pride, much like the bald eagle does for us.

When the character Qi was combined with the character Long, my tutor pointed out that the Qi referring to no one definite was not meant for the boy himself, but who he belonged to and where he came from. By combining Qi and Long, his name is actually full of dignity. Because it indicates that yes, there is a mystery about this little boy and where he comes from, but also, that he belongs to someone very special and important.

The person that found him may have not known where he came from or what his name was, but we know that from the very beginning, from before the time that he breathed his first breath, Qi Long belonged to someone very important. He has always belonged to the very One that created him. We may never know why God chose Qi Long to have the story that he has, but we do know that God intends his story to be used for good. And he will now grow up in a loving home with a family that will always tell him how special he is and how he will always has been and always will be HIS dragon.

Complete Joy

God is so good. When we pray, He listens. When we ask Him to speak, He does. He is faithful.

We received the updated special focus list from our agency this weekend. We spent the day yesterday looking through it and as we stopped and read each story, we couldn't shake the feeling that we were somehow "cheating" on our child. It honest to goodness felt like we were setting one of our children aside and trying to find someone else to replace him. It felt horrible.

We spent Sunday morning in fellowship with our friends, like we do every Sunday. We spent the morning praying together over our decision and what it would mean for us and for our future child. One of our friends told us that it seemed like we needed to decide which was more important to us, our life, our job, and our call here in rural Asia or our love and our call to this little boy. Justin and I decided yesterday afternoon that we were done fighting this feeling. Maybe what we had been seeing as a closed door, wasn't a closed door. We decided to allow ourselves a little more time of opening our hearts here. We had spent the last week trying to shut him out of our hearts, but it wasn't working. So we began to talk about what a decision like this would mean for our family. We had come into this journey planning that we would add a member to our family and live life like we had been living. A new life of course, with its own challenges and chaos, but for the most part, no major changes, for example the location of our home. We ended up coming up with a couple of plans, let's call them Plan B, Plan C and Plan D. We figured it couldn't hurt to have enough to make it to Plan Z, right?

This morning, I woke up and decided to do some research. I began looking up information about expats living overseas with children that have special needs and I found some encouragement. I decided to write an email to our good friends who have a huge passion for our job and also a huge passion for adoption. I shared with them our struggles and our confusion and asked them how do you decide between one or the other? They replied back and encouraged us to truly seek the Lord and His heart and to trust as He leads. We know that we are in this town, today, for a purpose. And we need to fulfill that purpose well with our whole hearts. We also know that we are called to adopt, and we also need to fulfill that calling with our whole hearts. And we will worry about what tomorrow brings when we get there and trust God to do the leading.

So this afternoon, as I poured over the Scriptures, asking God to speak to me specifically today, He answered me. I went through many verses in Psalm that proclaim the importance of trusting in Him, our Rock and our Deliverer. And then I ended up in John 15. Such familiar verses to so many of us, especially in our lives for the past 2 years. A theme in our company has been Abide. And I was reminded once again of the importance of abiding in Him and allowing Him to direct our paths. But for some reason today, John 15:11 stuck out to me, and I wasn't quite sure why, but I knew that it was something God was impressing on me. "I have written this, so that your joy may be complete." I opened my devotional that I have been reading through and flipped it to August 15, the day that Qi Long was found. And guess what verse was listed for that day. Yes, John 15:11. Not the whole passage, but just this one verse. And then this is what I read off to the side. "Joy is the experience of knowing you are unconditionally loved." A quote by Henry Nouwen. What more could God want a child of his to know on one of the hardest days of his life? That he was unconditionally loved.

We sent an email to our case worker tonight and told her that we were ready to take the next steps to make Qi Long a part of our family. We don't know where this next year will lead us. He could have medical issues that take us away from our job, he could not. All we know is that he is already so unconditionally loved by us, but more than any one, by his Heavenly Father, who lavishly fills my heart with confirmation in the little details!

Worth It

We heard back from the orphanage and they are standing by what is in his files. They are saying that he does not have what our pediatricians are saying that he has and all he needs is some personal love and attention and that his medical delays will resolve on their own. We also received a video of him which, honestly ripped my heart in two. It's one thing looking at a picture and another thing watching a video of a child playing and being a real human kid. A real human kid that doesn't have a mama or a daddy, or two brothers and a dog. He doesn't have anybody that is there for him no matter what. He no doubt has people that care about him and care for him, but it's not permanent. They go home and change shifts and his life is one big ball of who is coming next? But even though they are confident of this, it is still very hard for us to let go of what makes the most sense. Our agency encouraged us that you don't normally find such drastic differences in the files vs. doctors. But we all know that it happens. Are they lying, do they just not know, do they not have the resources to know truly what is going on with him? Or is it really what they say and it's just all a big coincidence that all of his symptoms point to this? Our realism says, "There is no way he doesn't have this. 2+2 always equals 4, no matter how you turn it. But our hopefulness says, "There's so much we don't know."

It's Sunday. Tuesday will be 3 weeks since we first saw him. Today is 2 weeks since we opened our hearts to the idea that he could actually be our son. And as of today we have spent 1 week trying to let him go. This is not a natural process of the heart. At all. But neither was my own adoption.

It wasn't natural for God the Father to send His own Son into the world to grow up only to die, in order for me to be adopted into His family. It wasn't natural to watch his Son grow up into a beautiful young man whose very breath was only used to bring glory to His Father, just to watch him suffer in agony and pain. None of that was natural, and yet it was worth it. God saw that I was worth it. And I know that no matter what happens on this journey, no matter how painful it is on the way there, in the end, whoever our son or daughter is, it will be worth it.

I am praying these words over this sweet little boy today. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11

I think I'm in.

Today was the day. Sunday. We were headed out to try and get more information in order to make one of the most important decisions we have ever had to make. As we were riding in the taxi on the way, all of us were abnormally quiet. We realized later that we were all just nervous. None of us knew what to expect or what not to expect. We really were just jumping into the wind on this one. Our stomachs were in knots at the possibility of getting to see a little boy that could possibly be in our family. Scared that they would say no, but at the same time, scared that they might say yes. We so desperately wanted to know more about him, yet were so fearful of what we might find out. Could anything change what we were already feeling about this boy? And then here we were, standing on one side of a gate and he was on the other side. We could hear children playing, and we wondered if one of those laughs were from him.

The good news is that we went to the orphanage and we met one of the directors. He was super nice and seemed genuinely willing to help us. But the fact was that he couldn't just let us in. He seemed to know our boy right away when we said his name and he smiled. He said that his caretaker wasn't there that day, because it was the weekend and if we could come back the next day that he could possibly try to help us a little more and we could at least meet her and talk to her. But we weren't able to come back the next day. We had previous engagements that couldn't be changed. He gave us a lady's number and told us to call her and she could maybe help us. We told him thank you for his time and that we hoped to see more of him in the future and he smiled, shook our hands and said "I hope so too."

We spent the next little while walking around outside of the orphanage, praying not only for wisdom, discernment and guidance for our future, but also for Qi Long's future, with or without us, as well as the future of all of the other little boys and girls that live there. We prayed for the caretakers, for the people that give of themselves every day. They pour out their time, their love and their hearts to these kids and provide them with as much as they can give.

As we walked down the hill, Justin and I both looked at each other. He asked me how I was feeling, and I said, "I think I'm in." He said he was too. We looked at Stephen and ask him what he was thinking. And he said, "I'm in, too." We decided right there, standing outside of his orphanage that we were going to take a leap of faith and trust God to do the rest. We prayed and told God that we trusted him with all of our futures and that we trusted Him to close doors that needed to be closed or to open doors that needed to be opened, and to help us to know the difference. And the rest of the afternoon as we walked around the area, we looked at the face of every child we saw, praying that one of them just maybe, might have been his.

So here we are, we still don't know anything more about him, but we know that as far as we are concerned, we are all in.

Really Too Fast

So, you remember a few days ago when I posted about that list we got in the email, and how we felt like it was just too soon to be going there, and those 3 faces that we saw? Well, 2 of those faces in particular began to plague our minds this week. We just couldn't get them out of our heads. It didn't help that Justin had put their pictures on his phone and was looking at them any chance he got. So we decided to go ahead and ask for their files last night. It's just information, right? Maybe if we can read more about them, it will help us to know why we are thinking of them so much.

There was this one little girl, 3 years old named Samantha and  this little boy named Jesse, also 3. These were the two kids that we were dying to know more about. But there was also this other little boy named, Wesley. He is 5 1/2 and the very first night we looked through all of the pictures, his big eyes caught both of our attentions and there was just something different about him, so we decided to ask for his file too.

We received them earlier this evening and spent the night pouring over the English translations of their files. We decided to read them separately so that we could process what we were seeing and see if our thoughts and feelings matched up when we were done. After a while, we both looked up and knew that the other had a special one in mind. I know I was praying for his to be the same as mine and I'm sure he was too. And it was. We were both falling head over heels for the one that we almost didn't ask for. Little Wesley had captured us. The other two were still heavy on our hearts, and Jesse even had a video in his file where his caretaker told him to say hi to "mama." If that doesn't rip your heart out I don't know what will. While one of the hardest parts of the adoption process (at least in the beginning) is saying no to one child, but yes to another, we didn't feel a connection with the two that we originally did. But when we looked at Wesley, there was something different. It was almost as if he was already ours.

Before we ever even thought we were close to the point of looking at the children, I had been praying and asking Father to give me very specific confirmations about the child that He had picked out for us. I've always felt bad for my pleading with Him to give me signs, and wondering why I don't ever just trust Him to lead my heart, but I also know that my heart is deceitful above all else and I have to guard it, because it is the epicenter of my life in Him. When I am asking Him for confirmations, it's not that I don't trust Him to speak to me, I just don't trust myself to listen. He knows that I am hard of hearing and He has always been faithful to give me what I need to be able to trust Him with all of my heart.

One of the things that just brought me to my knees was reading the date that Wesley was found. It was very close to a really big date for our family. Two very serious life changes, two different places, with different people...A time when our life and this little boy's life had both changed in ways that no one will ever be able to fully explain to us on this side of Heaven, but somehow, Father was weaving our lives together and I found out about it today.

There were a few other details that poured a little more concrete into my unsteady heart, one profound. Justin and I talked about this boy for what seemed like hours. And we were so shaken by it all. We were hoping that reading these files would help us to let go of these images and help us to focus on the task at hand, but this was exactly the opposite. And it was so fast! Mind you, we JUST received our home study packet (which we were blowing through, yay! but still!!) It just did not fit the timeline we had written for ourselves. We had the option of locking his file for one week while we sought the advice of doctors and any other wise counsel we could find. We had promised Stephen from the very beginning that his opinions mattered and that we wanted him to be a part of this process. So before we went any farther, we asked him for his opinion. We showed him Wesley's picture again and gave him a few details of his story and waited for his reply. Stephen shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm cool with it." We looked at him and he looked at us and then a smile formed on his face. "What?" he asked. We said, "Really? You're cool with it?" And he said, "Yeah! I like him. Let's do it." Haha.

Now, for that to make sense, I have to include the fact that up until this point, Stephen was the least sold out person in our family. He was excited about adoption. He had been part of the conversation 5 years ago when he was only 4 or so. He has always been on board with giving another kid a family and he wants to be that big brother. But he hasn't been so sold out on the idea of a sibling from China. He worries about the language barrier, and we explain to him that just like we are learning Chinese here, our new child will learn English when they become part of our family. And we talk to Chinese people every day, even though we can't understand everything they say. We can almost always at least talk to the little kids! But something about having a Chinese speaking person as a member of our family has not made him very excited yet. Until tonight. Just in the carefree way that he said, "I'm cool with it," totally blew us away.

SO, with all of that being said, we sent an email saying that we were seriously considering Wesley, now we know his real name is Chen Qi Long, and we wanted to lock his file for the week so that we could continue to pray about him. So here's to finding out what God can show us within a week!

And So We Begin

We submitted an application with an adoption agency today. We have been praying over this decision  and avoiding it and praying some more for about 4 months now. Well, really for about 5 years, but most recently it has been a big conversation between us for about 4 months. A long time ago, in what feels like a different time and world, we felt a pull on our heart strings to pursue adoption. We had some friends at that time that were also talking about it and so we decided to go to an information meeting together. All I remember about that meeting is how overwhelmed I was with all of the information. We browsed through some files of waiting children in the US. At this time, we already knew that we wanted to move overseas, and we realized that adopting a child and then moving them out of the country right away was probably not the best idea for our family, and probably not even allowed with the adoption agencies. Also, I had received what I felt like a very real promise from the Father that I would be having a biological child soon. I began to question that promise 3 years down the road and even decided to forget about it as we packed up our house and prepared to move overseas. As we narrowed down where we were going to move to, we realized that we could adopt internationally, but the rules for China stated that you had to be 30 years old to adopt. So there was my easy out. Lo and behold, He is faithful and He absolutely did fulfill that promise of a biological baby to me, which we found out about 3 days before leaving the country for 3 years. Oh, the Creator and his sense of humor!

Fast forward round about 2 years, and we find ourselves in May of 2015. I had a very unique opportunity to spend some time with a friend in China as she was finalizing her adoption process. I spent 3 days with her and her newest member of the family and also met several other families that were there in her group. I remember the afternoon that everyone had finally received the papers they needed, and were waiting for a van to come pick them up and take them to an airport where they could begin the journey of taking these precious children HOME. I remember standing in the lobby of that hotel with a friend, sobbing from the weight of it all. The fact that these kids were orphans, and now they were not. These kids had no families, and now they had families that were going to love them forever. These amazing children had been through so much trauma, so much heartache, and yet right here in front of my face I was watching a story unfold for all of these kids that pointed directly back to how our Father cares for us. He did not leave us as orphans of this world. He chose us, He looked for us, He pursued us, He filled out all of the paperwork and signed on the line with His very own blood. He adopted us into His family. My friend and I, we watched one little girl in particular as she ran around playing with another little boy about her age. The two kids ran into each other and her poor little nose started to bleed. As she screamed, she ran and threw her arms around the legs of her DADDY. This little girl, who one week before had no one to pick her up and wipe away her tears, now was running into the arms of a Daddy. It was literally to much for my heart to contain at the moment. Thankfully my friend standing with me was able to speak and she began to pray out loud for all of these children and we spent the next few minutes as they all said their goodbyes to each other praying for these families, for the kids that were headed to surgeries as soon as they arrived in America, for siblings that were going to greet them, for language that had to be learned, for a hope and a future that their Heavenly Father so graciously had already planned for them.

It was a beautiful moment and as I sent pictures to Justin the next few days, he began to fall in love himself. I came back home that next week, emotionally drained from all that I had experienced and Justin informed me that we would both be turning 30 in the coming months. He had been looking up information and he was excited and he said we can do this now. Honestly, at that time my head was having a really hard time processing everything and I knew that we needed to take some time to pray about this. I was emotional and my stories stirred emotion in Justin's heart and we didn't want to be making any decisions just because of what we had been privileged to experience that week. Yes, it was a beautiful thing and no my desire to adopt had never gone away, but it was too much right now. Our life is too crazy and we can't handle adding another kid, especially through adoption. So we prayed. I begged for confirmation. I am a Gideon if I have ever seen one. I am not satisfied with wet wool or dry wool. I want big marquee signs flashing as I walk out of my bedroom in the morning. Actually, I need one above every doorway, because what if I misread the first one and jumped to a conclusion before it even finished scrolling. One day, I told Justin that we needed to convince his brother and sister in law to do this with us. They had always talked about it with us, but it wasn't a subject that had come up in a long time and it was just funny when we said it out loud. But really, that would be so cool.

We finally reached a point after praying and reading scripture, that Father had shown us that this is where He wanted us and we realized that it was no coincidence that He took me to spend those days with my friend and her little boy. He works everything together for the good of those who love Him and ultimately, for His glory. We felt sure enough that we were ready to start bringing it up with our families. So one by one, we made the phone calls. We were so nervous of the responses we would get. Would they think we were crazy, stupid, immature and just a bunch of dreamers? Because sometimes that's how we felt about ourselves. Or would they be supportive, excited and joyful? Because that was how we felt most of the time. We were talking to Justin's brother one night and Justin looked at me with those eyes and I nodded back at him giving him the signal to tell what we were so excited about, and you would not believe the message that we received before we could get the words out. "Well, we just wanted to let you know that we have decided to start the adoption process." Our mouths fell open and I may or may not have started squealing. We said, "No way! We were just about to tell you the same thing!!" I went to bed that night feeling more confident than I had ever felt before that we were on His journey. And we couldn't wait to get started. We still had to wait a little while for some approvals from our company, and I have never seen Justin work so hard filling out a form before in his life.

We clicked the SEND button today. And we have to pay money now. So there is no turning back, right? Woo-hoo!