In His Presence

This morning I sat in awe and tears. For the first time in the last 6 years, I finally see the story of my life flowing toward a complete circle. There is a part of our adoption story that I haven't shared in detail here yet. It's so exciting to me to share this part of our story, however, I am struggling to put it into words. But today is the day.

I need to back up a few days, actually. You know how there is this app called Timehop? Well for those of you that may not know, it links to your Facebook and it shows you a daily picture of what you posted on your Facebook on that day for every year before. It's really been fun to see different posts I've made during different seasons of life, or pictures of my kids as they were younger. But then there are also days when I am reminded of hard stuff.

For those of you that don't know us or are newer friends, we lost our second son, Kristopher, through stillbirth 6 years ago on August 1 at 37 1/2 weeks. You can read more about our journey through all of that starting HERE. So, for the past few weeks, I've been seeing status updates that I had written 6 years ago as I was getting ready to give birth to him.  I've been reading as I posted about different moments of my pregnancy that were funny or special and even ordinary. I have smiled as I remembered that one time when he did somersaults in my belly after I ate Red Lobster, or all the nights that he kicked like crazy while I was trying to go to sleep. I'm so thankful I treasured those moments. And I have laughed at the funny comments that little 3 year old Stephen said about my big belly.

 Then on Thursday, I read this post:

And I cried. I cried because I realized that this was most likely the last day that I had spent with my baby while he was still alive. I cried because I wish I had listened to my body. I cried because of how different life could have been. I cried because I was angry, because I was sad, because it's just not fair. 6 years later and it's still not fair. It will never be ok. 

I'm not one of those people that give fluff answers. You will never hear me say something like "Everything happens for a reason." Or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." (Because He does. That's another post, though.) You won't hear me say, "Just hang in there. It will get better." You won't even hear me say, "I understand how you feel." I have always tried to be very honest about my experience of dealing with grief. The raw truth of emotions and words that sometimes we don't like to admit we felt or said.  I often hear people that have gone through the same kind of grief say something like, "I have to be grateful because if that hadn't have happened, I wouldn't know the kids I have now, or I wouldn't be where I am now if that hadn't have happened," and I'm happy for them that they find peace in those thoughts. But I can't even say that, because it took us 3 years to have another baby.  (It's a good story, you should read it sometime.) But I think to myself,  I could have totally had both of my babies and I believe God could have used some other experience to get me to where I am now. 

I don't know. Not here. Not now. I don't know. One day, though, I will see it all and understand it all clearly. 

BUT for now, on this side of Heaven...I AM grateful. I may not be grateful for what happened.  But I am so grateful to Christ for the hope that He has given me. I AM a different person than I was before. Whether I would have been changed with or without the loss of my son, I don't know. But I am thankful to have been changed. I am thankful that God didn't decide to leave me where I was in my sorrow, but that He taught me how to name it and to find the beauty and to make that beauty grow. And to find JOY. He showed me what it was like to be totally and completely dependent upon Him. Which is turns out is the only place I want to be.

 I will never forget the year following his death. How much I learned about who God is and how much I grew as His child. And if I am completely honest, as hard as it is to say, I would not trade that time of growing closer to Him for anything in this world, even if it meant I could have my baby back. Hear me say...I wish it could have been another way. Every day. For the rest of my life. But that is the event that God chose to use to mold me into who I am today. I don't understand for one second his reasoning, but I don't have to. Because I have learned to TRUST Him. I truly trust the Lord, more than I ever would have had I not been through this tragedy. I wish it had been something else. Anything really. A tornado, losing my house, anything. But I trust Him. And I love Him. Oh how I love Him. Because oh how He loves me.

And that brings me to today. 6 years later. Thursday night when I was crying over the Facebook status that I read, Justin held me and cried with me. And then he looked at me and said, "It's so not fair, but God is making it right again." And he is so right. That was the first time that it really connected. When I made the circle in my mind of where we used to be and where we are now. We are about one month (give or take a week or two) away from finalizing the adoption of our little boy in China. Chen Qi Long. Silas. (I still haven't written a post about his name, but I will.) Have you noticed that Silas is 6 years old? 

I have hesitated to post about this part of our story, because I think that honestly I feel a little guilt over it. When we were praying about adoption, we knew that we wanted a child that was around the same age that Kristopher would have been. Simply because it fit. It seemed right for our family. Stephen would be the oldest, yet Sean would still be the baby and it fit. In no way, shape or form will another child EVER be able to replace Kristopher, nor would we try to do that. But there is a small part of my heart that cries out sometimes, "Please don't forget!" But the fact that Silas is 6 years old is not even the point of this story.

Remember when we first received his file and we said that there were some facts that stood out to us that just really grabbed us? One of those was the day he was abandoned. I will never forget what I felt as I read the date that he was found. August 15, 2010. My heart literally felt like it stopped in my chest. Before I even read his story to find out where he was found, how old he was, how much he weighed and all of the other things that I eventually read through streams of tears,  Two weeks to the day after I had just begun to learn how to say goodbye to my baby,  this sweet baby boy having to say goodbye to his mommy. Two weeks to the day after I had experienced the worst pain of my life, she was experiencing the worst pain of her life. I knew that God had taken my heart and this precious little baby's heart and his sweet mama's heart and began the process of knitting them all together. Two moms without a baby and a baby without a mom. Two souls, two worlds apart, yet with two very broken hearts. And the only answer is Jesus.

Qi Long giving me so much more than a snack.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Silas was chosen by God to be our son. For many reasons, and God has confirmed that to me. But I can't deny that this piece of information was essential in me finding him. I don't claim to understand God's ways. And the struggles that we will face will not be easy. I would give anything to know who his mama is, who for whatever reason had to make the choice that she did, but still chose to give him life. In a world where she could have easily done otherwise. She chose him. But before she chose him, God had chosen him. And He also chose me.

So to try and wrap up my messy thoughts, back to this morning. Normally our family takes the day off on August 1 and does something special together. This year we are attending the first day of a huge conference. My kids are in VBS this week and we are separated by a few walls. And Justin and I are in meetings. And to be honest, I was a little sad that it would be this way this year. I knew it was coming. But I found out that I was right where God wanted me to be. In His presence. 

We experienced corporate worship for the first time in over 2 years this morning. We have had small group worship, either with a downloaded Youtube video, or Justin and I trying to fumble our way through a song on the guitar. (which please don't get me wrong, there is sweet worship to be found in small groups) But this was worship, with hundreds of other people. All lifting up their voices to the author and perfector of our faiths. Christ alone, Cornerstone. The weak made strong in the Savior's love. Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all. All I could do was lift up my hands and cry tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of relief, tears of feeling His love falling fresh on my weary heart. Tears of gratefulness. And then, on top of all of it, I was able to sit and listen to a sermon by the author that God used to completely change my life during that season of grief. And for the first time in 6 years, I saw the circle. And it's almost completed. I know it's not going to end. It will be a spiral and I will get to watch God do wonder after amazing wonder in my life from now until I go Home to be with Him. But today was priceless. And it was the exact gift that my good good Father knew I needed.

When I got back to my room before I had lunch, I checked Facebook really quick. And within the first 10 posts I read, two different friends of mine had posted about how they were grieving their babies who were gone too soon. Two different women who experienced the same kind of grief, at different times and with different circumstances, but the same broken hearts. Those two posts reminded me that I'm not alone. And that with each story of sorrow, there is a story of joy on the other side that God wants to give. If you are reading this and you have experienced loss, in any form, I am praying for you right now. I pray that you will find your circle. And that it will keep going until you see Jesus face to face.

I love you all. Thank you for sharing this day with me. Thank you for listening to my heart. Thank you for your prayers and for always loving me. Even through the rough times. Thank you for your messages and comments. They mean the world to me. Just the fact that you remember. I don't expect you to. And yet, you do. You know who you are. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Kristopher. I'm so glad Mommy and Daddy were able to worship with you this morning. Give Jesus a big hug for me. I can't wait to meet you one day, sweet boy!

Waiting for the Lord...Part 2

So this is the "...to be continued..." post from the other day. Click here if you want to read post 1. My focus for the last week or so has been a very familiar verse. One that I have always looked to for encouragement and the strength to endure.

 But this time, when I looked to this verse, I found myself feeling much less than. And I wanted to know why. So, I asked God to show me. In the last post, I wrote about how he lead me to Hebrews 12:1-3 and that I needed to make sure that my eyes were focused on the right thing.

That's easy enough to say, but how do I do that? I can fix my eyes on Jesus in the midst of my quiet time, but just being honest here, that's if I get that far. Some days even that is such a struggle. But how can I make sure that my eyesight remains fixed on Him throughout my day, and ultimately, throughout my very uncomfortable waiting period?

Although it isn't always the case, sometimes God, in his mercy, gives us the step by step instructions that we so desperately need.

1. We are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses. At the moment, I live on the other side of the world, in a very small town, 3 hours away from an airport and with only 1 restaurant that has something that resembles chicken strips and french fries. Currently, my husband, my two boys and myself are the only foreigners in town. If anyone is tempted to say, "Where is my cloud of witnesses?" I'd call dibs. But, the truth is that the love and unity from the Body of Christ, provided by the Holy Spirit, crosses oceans and the beautiful mess called the Internet makes almost anything possible. Wherever I am, whatever season of life I am in, whether I am in church or not, I have access to the body of believers. There are people that have gone before me, that have walked the roads I am now walking, and though the situations may not be identical, there is wisdom found in reaching out to others. 

Step 1: Ask for prayer. Don't be too proud to let others know that I am struggling. Seek out people that I can trust. People that have shown me their reliability in the past. Don't keep going back to people that make me feel unworthy. But also, don't take away someone else's opportunity to minister to me and to see God answer prayers in their own walk of faith, because I am too prideful to ask for prayer.

2. Throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  Like many verses in the Bible, I've read this part many times. However, I have this uncanny ability to only want to focus on the parts that give me warm fuzzy feelings inside. Right?

As I meditated on this segment, I began to see sin in my life that was completely holding me captive. Things that weren't bad from the outside, but that were eating me away from the inside.

 Let's just get real here. 

Eating anything that I can get my hands on. At midnight. 

Scrolling through Facebook and reading the same posts for the 10th time because it's the middle of the night back home and no one is awake. Those aren't my kids screaming at each other in the other room. I need to click refresh one more time, just in case there is something new. 

Staying up way too late, because that's when people back home actually ARE awake. 

Constantly comparing my journey with someone else's journey. 

Getting frustrated when someone else advances to their next step...when it's THEIR TURN and it's due time!! 

Surely I can't be the only one? Maybe I am the only one, and if so, then the 2 people that are reading this can totally judge me. 

It's ok. I deserve it.

Um, Netflix. (I didn't really just say that, did I?) 

Basically, doing anything and everything to ease the monotony of waiting, but nothing of value.

This isn't an easy part. These are all things that make me feel better, so I think. But all of these things are simply a distraction. An attempt to fill my longings with something other than Jesus. 

In the end, He is the ONLY thing that satisfies. He is my portion. 

Step 2: Be humble enough to ask God to show me what is standing in my way of letting him renew my strength. And when he reveals it, THROW.IT.OFF. Like a sweatshirt that I put on that fall morning when it was 60 degrees, but now at noon it's 90 degrees again. THROW.IT.OFF. Like a cockroach that just landed on my arm when you opened the cabinet.
THROW.IT.OFF. Like the sin that it is, that trips me up, entangles me, traps me, and causes me to miss out on seeing God in my circumstance.

Ok, you get the picture.

*Please note: I am not saying that my sin is what is causing me to still wait. I am saying that my sin is what is getting in the way of feeling my strength being renewed. Instead, it leads me to feeling like my strength is being zapped, because my eyes are not fixed on the Lord.

3. Run with perseverance the race marked out for me. Do something. Pretty simple. God has plans for me. He has a schedule for me everyday. He has an itinerary for me. And it's exciting. But I have to show up. I have to put on a bra and get out the door. Brushing my teeth is greatly preferred, but really it's not a necessity. Not like a bra.

I have to make that phone call. I have to invite those friends over. I have to go the extra mile. 

Get out of my comfort zone. Live life. Walk humbly with my God.

But I'm already so busy! Re-evaluate what I'm busy with. Does it have eternal value? Is there anything I can set aside for now to make room for something God is really asking me to do?

Step 3: Ask God to show me a direction, and then walk in it. No, run in it. It takes perseverance. But He has already set out the path for me. I just have to open my eyes to see it. Sometimes, all it takes is getting out the door, and He will show me! There are encounters to be had, people that need and want to hear what I have to say, prayers that need to be prayed, and necks that need to be hugged. This world is not lacking in need and most of the time it's harder to avoid the need than it is to do something about. I can speak that from experience. Avoidance is a tricky dance that strips me of every ounce of energy I have. Embrace the call God has on my life. Stop pushing him away.

It's a beautiful place inside the center of His will. 

Step 4: Remember that Jesus is the author and perfecter of my faith and it is his JOY. He is the one that wrote the story of my faith and He is the one that is continually fine tuning it and molding me into what He wants me to be. I am responsible for my actions and my choices, but God has written the story of my faith. Remember that. Marvel at Him. And trust Him with it. And feel the freedom of it. 

Step 5: Consider Him who endured such opposition...so that we do not grow weary and lose heart. I can always do myself some good when I take my attention and focus off of myself and look outward. Instantaneously, I am met with people and stories that have far greater trials than I could ever imagine. But no story outweighs the one of my Lord and Savior. The one who was kissed by his betrayer, abandoned by His closest friends who swore they would never leave him, mocked, beaten and killed, paying the price of sin for the arrogant people who hung him on that cross. The arrogant people like me. When I place myself in the correct posture of a crooked sinner in front of a Holy God, then and only then can I fix my eyes on Him and allow Him to renew my strength.

After breaking apart this scripture and let it turn me upside down, I went back to the original source of discomfort. Isaiah 40:31. I looked up some key words in the handy dandy interlinear app on Biblehub.com.

Those who WAIT on the Lord. To wait: to trust, hope, expect, look for, endure, remain. The root word in Hebrew refers to a twisting and stretching, the tension of enduring. It also means to be strong, as in a strand of rope. 

***Don't forget that a strand of rope is made up of several smaller strands. The more strands, the stronger the rope. Don't take my community for granted. Remember, reach out to others. We are made to walk this life in fellowship. Don't ever forget that.***

Will renew their strength. Renew: to change for the better. With all of that twisting and stretching caused by enduring as we wait, hope, trust and look for the Lord, we are bound to be changed. It's our choice if we are changed for the better or for the worse. Fix your eyes on Him. Remain in Him. Abide.

They will soar on wings like eagles. Think of a beautiful, graceful eagle that soars through the air, effortlessly. He doesn't flap his wings hysterically trying to keep himself up. He finds the thermal current of air and uses that to hold him up so that he can glide to the next thermal current. God holds me up during the entire flight of my life. I don't ever have to frantically flap my wings. I do have to do the things He asks me to, but all the while He is the wind beneath my wings. 

(You're singing it now, aren't you. You're welcome.)

I don't know if this is helpful to anyone else out there. I hope so. But if not, this is here as a reminder to me as I dive headfirst into my next waiting period. Our next step is to apply with the United States department of citizenship and immigration to grant a visa for Silas as our adopted son. This can take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month or more. We received confirmation today that they have received our application and now we wait. This is one of the last and final BIG steps we have to take. And the outcome of this approval will dictate when we travel. So the temptation for me to fall apart at any moment during the next few weeks is strong, but I will keep these scripture nearby this time and I will remember what the Lord has taught me. Because I know that perseverance produces character, and character leads to hope and that hope does not disappoint. (Rm. 5) And I also know that my strength is being renewed, changed for the better, as I walk through each door of this process!

A couple of prayer points:

1. We would love to have USCIS approval by or around August 1. This would keep us inline with our goal of being able to come home in September. 

2. There are some variables in this step because we live overseas. There is a potential hold up as they might request more clarification, which will increase our time and so we are praying that, if necessary, this will be a quick hold up, or not a hold up at all.

If you are still reading this, first of all, you are an amazing friend. Really. And second of all, I know that there are people out there... strangers, very close friends and family that are waiting. Some of you are waiting for very big things. Life changing things. Things that, until you receive that which you are waiting for, you feel broken and confused and forgotten, even. I know that my waiting may not be equal to yours. I know that my situation probably seems like a walk in the park next to yours. I get that. I have been there when my world fell apart and it seemed like everyone around me was complaining about something petty. I'm promise that you are NOT forgotten. I see you and I remember you in my prayers constantly. If I don't know your situation and you would like someone to pray for you, please contact me. Reach out to someone who can walk this journey with you. If not me, then find someone. I love each and every one of you. And God does too, even if you don't feel it right now. He does.

Waiting for the Lord...Part 1

I have been chewing on this verse for a few days. Read my last post to see visuals about my feelings. 

I have been walking a journey of daily scripture writing. (Click here if you want to join me!) This month all of the verses just happen to be about patience and perseverance. Hmm. (God's pretty cool like that.) I love writing the verses because I notice things that I normally wouldn't. Especially in familiar verses like this one.

"But those that wait on the Lord will renew their strength."

This part caught me. During the 39 days while we waited on our approval, I haven't felt my strength necessarily being "renewed." I feel stressed, I feel panicked, I feel overwhelmed and emotional. I feel like I'm grasping for control but every ounce of control is just out of reach. I feel bombarded with the what ifs and the "if, thens." Renewed strength? No. Zapped strength...yes. I know that everything happens in the Lord's timing. I fully trust in his sovereignty and in his decision of what is best for my family. While I don't always like it, I trust Him. Fully. He has never led me astray. But I can't say that it's easy. And for some reason, this picture of waiting on the Lord renewing my strength isn't what I am experiencing. And then I add in the rest of the verse. "...They will soar on wings of eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." Like I said earlier, I'm a hot mess compared to that soaring eagle, and I'm weary. I'm faint. What am I doing wrong? 

A couple of days later the verse was Hebrews 12:1-3. One of my very, very favorite verses. 

"...fixing our eyes on Jesus..."

Really, that's all I need to say. There was my answer. This was why I was feeling so defeated. 

My eyes were not on Jesus. 

My eyes were on WHAT I was waiting for. My eyes were on the PEOPLE that I was waiting on. My eyes were on how much I needed to get to the next step. My eyes were on the people around me, comparing my journey with theirs. My eyes were on everything surrounding me that seemed so big, instead of being on the One who is bigger than all of that!

I was reminded of a verse I had written at the beginning of the month. Psalm 130:5-6. 

More than the watchmen wait for the morning. Let that sink in.

I'm waiting on the Lord.

I'm not waiting on an approval, I'm not waiting on other people to give us approval.

I'm simply waiting for the Lord. 

"...Fixing our eyes on Jesus..."

We oftentimes want a formula. In a world of checklists and youtube videos of step by step instructions, we read God's word and see many things we should be doing, but we don't know how. Where are the step by step instructions.

Sometimes, the only "formula" is simply to abide. When we abide in Christ, our eyes will naturally be fixated on Him. 

Apart from Him, I can do nothing.

What are you waiting on today?

No...whatever just popped into your head...That's not it.

You are waiting on the Lord. Look at Him!

Click here for the rest of the story...Sometimes, God does give us step by step instructions! 

One Less

Gotcha Day. It's such a weird word for me. It doesn't settle right for some reason, but it's the word that we use. That day when all of your waiting and all of the paperwork and all of the mystery comes together and you get to meet your child and he or she officially becomes a member of your family, even though their picture has been plastered all over your house for months now. But now, it's official. On paper, not only with your signature, but with your thumbprints too. It's a big deal.

There is not a single time that I look at pictures of Gotcha days that I don't wipe away tears. Today was one of those days. I am sitting in the living room of a friends apartment, literally just a few meters away from a family that welcomed a precious little girl into their family today. I'm looking at her pictures on Facebook and just praising the Lord through tears of gratitude.

One less.

It's so easy during this process to get caught up in the paper chase, the money, the waiting, the uncertainties, and the insecurities. All of that is necessary, but all of that aside, this is what it's about. One less child spending another day without a family. One less child who will never know the love of a mother. One less human being who doesn't understand what it feels like to belong to something, to be loved or to be wanted.

One less. Hallelujah, today, there is one less orphan.

Happy Birthday!

We always try to live our life being joyful in the present. No matter the situation, our family verse is “Be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances.” 1 Thes. 5:16-18. But for today, let me just say that we are ready for next year. Normally birthdays are fun and exciting times. We love birthdays around here. We love cake, we love doing special things for the birthday boy or girl and we love celebrating together the good things that God has done for us. But this year, birthdays, especially these two, are so much more difficult than what is on the surface.

Justin’s 30th birthday is Friday. We have prayed so hard that we will be able to send in our Dossier on his birthday. We were worried that we were going to be sitting around just waiting for his birthday to come around so that we could officially meet all of the requirements to adopt from China. But we haven’t been sitting around. We have been working day and literally all night, praying, applying for grants and doing what we need to do to push this paperwork along. Unfortunately, our Dossier won’t be ready to send Friday. And that makes us very sad. A day that we anticipated would allow us to rejoice, is actually breaking our hearts. But as we have learned so well in the past, if your heart is never broken, joy wouldn’t taste as sweet. There is so much to be thankful for. Most importantly, we know that Qi Long is well cared for. He is surrounded by friends and caregivers that, it seems like, genuinely care for him. The orphanage director has gone out of her way to serve our family by communicating with us. That is a priceless blessing that we are beyond grateful to know, as so many people don’t have that privilege. 

When we began this journey, we put everything about this process at the feet of Jesus and asked him to lead and guide us. While a man plans his way, the Lord determines his steps. We know the direction we want to go and we know the things we need to do, and the rest is up to Him.

Qi Long’s birthday was on March 15. He turned 6 years old. You know how hard it is to watch your kids grow up? It’s really hard when you are watching him grow up and you haven’t been there for any of his birthdays. When you realize that he has had 6 birthdays now, without a mom and a dad to love on him and tell him how special he is and do something special JUST for him, it is a brand new level of sadness.

But once again, there is still room to rejoice. Hallelujah that the story doesn’t end there. There is such good news. Just like Jesus didn’t leave us in our lostness, God has not left Qi Long in his lonliness. God’s promise to Qi Long is being fulfilled even as I type this message. “I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you,” Jn. 14:18. This verse is a beautiful promise that many claim for the orphans of the world, who desperately need forever families. But in reality, it is a promise to every believer, who sometimes looks up at the sky wondering if Jesus is ever really going to come back. He promised, friends. And even though we may not see what’s going on behind the scenes, much like Qi Long can’t see how hard we are working to bring him home, Christ is working on our behalf to bring us home; to redeem us. To bind up our broken hearts, to give us freedom, to bestow on us a crown of beauty instead of ashes and a garment of praise instead of despair, to plant us as oaks of righteousness for the display of HIS splendor! (Is. 61) By God’s grace, this will be the last birthday that Qi Long will spend without a family. And only by His grace. And when it is time, when all of the details that we don’t know about come together and fall into place, in His perfect timing, He will come back for us and he will bring us all home. Amen!

Happy Birthday Justin and Qi Long! Lord willing, next year, we will all celebrate together! And oh what a celebration it will be!  

Looks like he enjoyed his cake!

We were allowed to send him a birthday cake and he was able to have a birthday party with his friends. We also sent him a video of our family singing to him and he was able to watch that on his birthday while he was at the doctor. We pray for God to prepare his precious little heart to be with us, and our hearts too.

Mountains and Valleys

Mountains and valleys are both beautiful places.

On the mountaintop you can see what seems like the whole world laid out before you and the possibilities are endless. If you are on a mountaintop, you most likely have just climbed that mountain and the adrenaline is making you feel like you can conquer anything that comes your way. Nothing can shake you. The sun is shining on your face and for a moment you can almost reach out and touch heaven. Nothing is impossible on a mountaintop.

In a valley, however, you have a very limited view. You can only see the mountain in front of you and without the right perspective, it can feel isolated in a valley. When the sun goes down behind a mountain, it gets cold in a valley. And you might even begin to wonder and hope for what lies over that mountain in front of you. 

But if you take a step back, you will see the beauty, the awe and the grandeur of that mountain. You will feel how small you are against a mighty Creator and find yourself in the perfect place of humility to truly receive His grace and joy. With the right perspective.

We are blessed to live in a place where we get to experience these differences between mountains and valleys in a very real way. And it brings new insight to the circumstances in our lives that we classify as mountain or valley circumstances. I am reminded of the familiar passage in Ps. 23 where David sings to us about our Shepherd who makes us lay down in green pastures and leads us beside still waters. That sounds so peaceful and refreshing, right? But let's think about it. We often separate the part of this same passage that talks about walking through the valley of death from this first part of peaceful still waters and green pastures. But it's actually the same place. You will never find still waters on a mountaintop. Water on a mountain will always be moving. Will you find green pastures on a mountaintop? This beautiful place with green pastures and still waters that refreshes our souls, is in the valley of death!

Perspective.

When we began this process, we hit the ground running. We received our home study packet on Oct. 8 and we got to work, sending in paperwork the very next day. By November 24, we had all of our paperwork turned in, minus our health checks and we had approval to wait for a little while to do those so they didn't expire. We were feeling really good about things and even though we have to wait until Justin's 30th birthday on April 1 to turn in our paperwork to China, we knew we needed that extra time to apply for grants and get our account with the adoption agency in good standing before we can submit those papers anyway. We had heard of so many people with so many bumps in the road in a never-ending paper chase, but we had also heard of people that just zipped and flew right through the process with little to no snags at all. We were really praying for the second option. 

But once we turned the paperwork in, the waiting started. The first wait was really out of anyone's control because it was the holidays and things slow down drastically around the holidays anyway. Our sweet case worker actually traveled to our house on New Years Day and did our home study in two days. But then somewhere between the time of her sending in her first draft and today, time seemed to stop. We have been waiting for a long time to see a final copy of our home study, and our case worker has been emailing every day trying to find out why it has taken so long. And we are excited to say that the final hard copy was placed in the mail yesterday and should be on it's way to the next step very soon.

Before I go further I want to say that things could be WAY worse. The other day we read about a lady whose paperwork had been destroyed in the mail. Like completely destroyed, illegible, couldn't even tell which document was which. It could be way worse. And we still have many opportunities for it to get worse. So I am very grateful. But still a little frustrated.

We are still waiting to actually receive a copy of the home study in our inbox, so that we can begin applying for grants. We received our next bill last week and we need to have $9,000 in about one month, so that we can hopefully meet our goal of sending our papers off around April 1, so we don't have to make this sweet little boy wait any longer than he has to. We are ready for him to come home!! Most grant agencies take longer than that to process applications, with many of them only awarding grants every quarter. So we are praying hard for God to lead us to the exact grants that He wants us to apply for. If you would like to donate to our adoption fund, you can click  HERE  to find out how. Please pray with us for these next few steps.

1. Mailing application for US Immigration approval for us to adopt.

2. Fingerprint appointment at US Consulate.

3. $6,000 due to continue to the next step of compiling our Dossier documents.

4. $3,100 due to authenticate and process those documents and send them to China.

In all of this, we are praying for the grace to see the beauty in the valleys of life and allow our Shepherd to refresh our souls in the way that only He can. Thank you Lord for still waters.

This is Christmas...

My heart always feels like it is going to explode during Christmas-week every year. Like, literally explode. The week leading up to Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning is always so full of excitement and love in my family that I just want to cry. I love the anticipation of it all. Especially having been overseas for the last 3 Christmases, we have learned to experience, to DO, and to feel Christmas in such a different way. And my heart overflows.

Christmas Eve is my FAVORITE night of the year. But this year, I can't even wait until Christmas Eve to talk about it. As I sit here in the quiet and watch the twinkle of the lights on the tree, I just want to cry tears of joy. Every year, Christmas does this to me, but this year, it's even more. This year has rocked our world, in an unbelievable way.


Because this year, I look up from the tree and look at the family pictures that are hanging on the wall. And in addition to the most precious faces in my life, this year we have a new face. One that shakes me to my core. And the amount of joy and love I feel over a child that I don't know ONLY comes from a God who says THIS is what it's about. This is my joy being made complete in you. I never thought that my heart could love even more than it already does. I have two of the most amazing little boys that a mom could ask for and a husband that, hands down, is better than yours. Just kidding. (But not really.) And the very depths of my heart are beyond grateful. But I sit here amazed at the expansion of my heart and whisper prayers of gratefulness all over again. Grateful for His grace in my life to get me this far. Grateful for the blessings He gives. Grateful that he would choose me, a most unworthy recipient of His love.

I didn't write the following, but I stumbled upon it the other day on Facebook and I bookmarked it because for the first time, the words I was reading made my feelings make sense. I wanted to share that with you today. I hope it blesses you as much as it has me. You can see the original post by Jason Johnson here.

Christmas is the story of a good Father going to extravagant lengths in order to adopt those who have been separated from Him.

It is the celebration of God seeing the plight of His people and responding with the greatest gift of love this world has ever known - Himself. Not merely for us or near us in theory, God now put on flesh and became one of us in humanity - entering the darkness and brokenness of our story to bring us a brighter and better one in Him.

GOD WITH US  In what we now know as the Christmas story, scripture consistently speaks of the incarnation, the act of God wrapping Himself in the flesh of an infant child, in beautifully vivid and forever-altering terms. The apostle Paul, in Galatians chapter 4, writes: "When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons." 

At a predetermined, specific moment throughout all the course of human history, [before even] ("...when the fullness of time had come"), God looked down on the plight of His people and decided right then, at that very instance, He would step out of His glory and enter into the brokenness of our humanity. He would not strut into this world on a throne but would crawl into it through a manger, being born in humility, in poverty, and in relative obscurity so that He might bring fullness to the empty and belonging to the lonely (...God sent forth his Son")

The significance of His name, Emmanuel, meaning God is with us, could not be overstated. God is not somewhere. God is not over there. God is not out there. God is here, with us, among us, one of us. He is in our story. He has seen us in the plight of our brokenness and met us exactly where we were, placing Himself beneath the rule of judgment over us in order to rescue and redeem us out from under it ("...born under the law...to redeem those under the law") God is with us. Nothing will ever be the same.

TO MAKE US HIS OWN  The intended outcome of Christmas was clear - for God to bring into His family those who had been tragically orphaned from Him (...that we might receive adoption). No longer isolated. No longer orphaned. Now adopted as dearly loved sons and daughters.

At Christmas we remember the lengths God has gone to call us His own. He has not loved us from a distance, but has thrust Himself fully into the brokenness of our story to bring us securely into His forever family. He interceded on our behalf, at just the right time, to make us His own. In the gospel God says, "I see you where you are and I'm coming after you!" This is Christmas - the crescendo of that emphatic declaration.

ADOPTION: AN ECHO OF THE CHRISTMAS STORY The gospel of our adoption, making its vivid debut that night in Bethlehem, acts not only as the emphasis behind why but also the model of how we as those adopted into the forever family of God are called to forever give our families to those who need them. Christmas is ultimately the story of God stepping into our darkness in order to bring light into it. It, above any and all other motivations, compels us to do the same on behalf of the vulnerable, marginalized and orphaned in this world. It is impossible for us to truly celebrate Christmas without considering both its implications for us and its expectations on us - to do for them exactly what God has done for us through Jesus.

In light of the gospel and the story of Christmas we can no longer remain on the peripherals of the plight of others, but must, at just the right time, meet them where they are by interceding on their behalf. Their brokenness no longer just theirs, but also now ours. An old story forever being rewritten by a new one. A better one. A brighter one. Together.

Adoption begins with our willingness to step foot into darkness, not merely to pull a child out of it but to bring light into it. This is exactly what Jesus did for us and what we are therefore compelled to do for them. We do not strut into their stories with a cape on our back but crawl into them with the Cross on our shoulders. We are not the rescuers, but the rescued. We are not the heroes, but on every occasion seek to point to Him who is. Our Hero has come. Emmanuel. God is with us. Nothing will ever be the same.

In the end, the echoes of Christmas in adoption beautifully reverberate in forever-altering terms. A taking on of one story and writing a new one. A better one. Together.

Nothing will ever be the same.

This. Is. Christmas.

I hope you all have a very, very Merry Christmas. Please take some time to simply be still and allow the joy and truth of the Christmas story soak into your spirit. You won't regret it.

The Name

Ok, first of all, if you know my record with baby names from the past, you know that names are very important to us. We love giving our kids names that reflect our prayers for them, what God has done in our lives through them, and what we want our kids to know about God. This one is no different!

I love Chinese characters. Like a lot. It really seems like they took the meaning of the characters straight from the Bible sometimes. From the way they are drawn, to the different parts that make up the character as a whole, to the meaning there is so much truth wrapped up into Chinese characters. And I love the emphasis that the Chinese put on naming their babies!

 Now, as a disclaimer, I will never be able to know the full truth of his name and why the person who named him chose the name. All I can do is take what is in front of me and make the best guess that I can, and after speaking with my Chinese tutor who knows a little more about the culture than I do, this is what I feel like has been laid on my heart.

Qi Long's full name is Chen Qi Long (陈其龙). The first character, Chen, is a very common surname here in China. In fact, most surnames are pretty common. It is almost as if everyone here is either named Smith, Jones, Williams, Brown or Miller. If you took the Top 25 most seen last names in America, 90% of China would have one of those names. The family name runs deep here and because of that, and also because China is not a melting pot like America, the surnames have been pretty well preserved through the years. But even though it's a common name, I still find great joy in the meaning of the character. Chen means to display, to exhibit, to narrate, to state, to explain, and to tell. I don't know if he had a note with him that said his name, I don't know if he was named after someone in the orphanage, but I do know that in our family, the purpose of our lives is to display the glory of God. How beautiful that out of the many surnames that are common here, this one was chosen for him.

His second character, Qi, was an odd character for me to figure out. It literally means his, her, he, she, or it, referring to no definite person or thing. When I first read this character, my initial reaction was that they thought he was a nobody, because he was abandoned. How awful. And my heart broke. But when we add the last character, it changes the meaning a little.

The third character is Long, a very important character in China. It means dragon. Throughout Chinese history, the dragon has had many roles, such as power, strength and good luck. But the most notable role of the dragon began in the Ming Dynasty as a symbol of the Emporer, a symbol of royalty. Even today, the dragon is considered the most revered zodiac of the 12 Chinese zodiacs. Anything good that happens, marriage, birth of children, a new business, buying a new house, etc...you want it to happen in the year of the dragon. The dragon represents the unrelenting spirit of the Chinese people and it evokes a sense of pride, much like the bald eagle does for us.

When the character Qi was combined with the character Long, my tutor pointed out that the Qi referring to no one definite was not meant for the boy himself, but who he belonged to and where he came from. By combining Qi and Long, his name is actually full of dignity. Because it indicates that yes, there is a mystery about this little boy and where he comes from, but also, that he belongs to someone very special and important.

The person that found him may have not known where he came from or what his name was, but we know that from the very beginning, from before the time that he breathed his first breath, Qi Long belonged to someone very important. He has always belonged to the very One that created him. We may never know why God chose Qi Long to have the story that he has, but we do know that God intends his story to be used for good. And he will now grow up in a loving home with a family that will always tell him how special he is and how he will always has been and always will be HIS dragon.