Day 100

I have written an introduction to an update so many times and then deleted it. I'm really not sure how to begin this update. So I'm just going to begin it this way. It is just awkward enough to fit how I feel these days.

100 days. It doesn't seem like so long when I word it that way. Almost a third of a year...that feels a little longer. My perspective flip flops almost daily when I think about the amount of time that we have spent with Silas.

I've been trying to think of one word that I could use to summarize our first 100 days. I think I'm going to go with supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. That's what you're supposed to say when you don't know what to say, right?

All in all, life has been great. Really. When I take a step back and look at our life from a distant vantage point, we really and truly have a blessed life. It's impossible to not be grateful at the end of the day.  We have continued to share so many firsts with Silas and that is such a joy.

2. Playing dress up with brothers

1. Getting to know cousins

3. Trying to ride a bike

5. Driving!

4. Riding!

6. Video Games

7. Flashlights!!

8. Grocery shopping

9. Road tripping

10. Hiking

11. Halloween

12. Losing a tooth!

13. Animals!!

14. Getting dizzy on a tire swing!

All of these and so much more that I can't even begin to include on the blog! And we are still going. Almost daily we encounter something new. But along with all of these firsts that seem so great come challenges that aren't so much fun to talk about. It's funny how pictures can speak one thing and yet the reality of that picture can be something totally different. In every single picture that I just posted, there is an obstacle that we had to overcome or are trying to overcome still. Some of them are bigger than others. Some of them are totally normal, that every child deals with. Some of them are really good victories. Some of them are just plain hard. With almost every happy moment, there is a struggle of some kind.

Along with all of the fun firsts also come the hard firsts. The firsts nobody really talks about. The ones that remind you that you have absolutely no idea what you're doing as a parent. The ones that leave you praying to God for strength because you realize that you just can't do this on your own. The first time he tests his boundaries. The first time he tells you he doesn't like you. The first time he says he wants to go back to his old school. The first time he disobeys. The first time he lies to you. The first time that you have to discipline him.

Because after all, he is a child. He is just a normal kid who struggles with all the same things that all kids struggle with. Sharing, getting along with siblings, wanting his own way. But not only is he a normal kid dealing with normal kid things, he is a child that has zero reason to love and trust you. A child who really has no idea what love is. A child that is relying on you to teach him how this life works in literally almost every aspect.

This life is hard. And as a good friend of ours reminds us, adoption is not for the faint of heart. We wake up every morning not knowing what we will be dealing with and praying for good to come out of whatever it is. And then we go to bed every night talking about all we wished we had done differently and praying that good will come out of whatever happened.

But it's in those struggles that beauty comes. Sometimes it's immediate and it's rewarding and we can cheer. But other times, it's not immediate. Sometimes, it's not rewarding. Sometimes, it just plain stinks. But there is still beauty. I really have no clue why God chose me for this job. And even with all of the hard things, I am so grateful that he chose me. When I sit on the couch with him and he reaches over and wraps his little fingers around mine, I am reminded of how far we have come, how long I waited for him to be in my arms and how much God has done and is doing in his life and in our family, the tears of gratefulness fall. All of these things are necessary to his growth and understanding of who he is. As each day goes by, he is finding his place in this world. His place in our family. His place in God's family. And it is worth it. So worth it.

So when you see our happy pictures on Facebook, remember to say a little prayer for us. Yes, we are happy. Incredibly happy. But just with any Facebook post, there are hard moments that come with the happy pictures! I think it would do a world of good if we could remember that for everyone we encounter!

Day Six

We are back with another lazy day in the hotel post for day six!! It's still the weekend, so going out is not on the agenda! Today was actually a really good day. If you read my post from yesterday, I was talking about dealing with the sibling issue. So we woke up this morning to a little bit of that still.

Learning to work through one of our struggles. I wanted to show some real life pictures too. Not just the smiles that are forced by Mommy and the camera. 

Sheer exhaustion. It was before 10am and we were already a little fried.

But as the day went on, things got better and better. 

We went for a walk and stopped at Starbucks.

Naptime was a success today. We all laid down together in the bed to watch a movie and the boys finally fell asleep. No dramatic tears, just a little bit of sit up/lay down game. And then crash.

We fell asleep with sweet little boys and we woke up to some ninjas in our room!!

(I never could have imagined when we bought Stephen this scarf/headband/balaclava, how big of a hit they would be for the boys! They LOVE playing like this and walk around the room with them on!

But they sure are cute ninjas!!

It still feels so surreal to look at these pictures and say, "We have three boys! Three!" 

 The boys had some great bonding today. We love where we are staying and the fact that we can get outside, away from the hustle and bustle and just walk around. 

Sean eating a cheeseburger!!! He tried mine the other day for the first time and that is what he ordered tonight!

Silas was feeling the need for some comfort food tonight. As much as he loves Western food and we are so thankful for that, it's still not his niche. But he is willing to try just about anything! 

We finished the night with some bubbles in the dark and a big group hug!!

Making bubbles is hard work!

Ok, here you have to see the progression in these pictures. It's too precious to miss. Click on the images to make them bigger!

Sean comes in first for the big hug. Silas is thinking about it...

Ok, sure, why not!

Stephen's face here gets me. He may have a tough exterior sometimes, but he has a heart of gold. 

And this one! The exchange between Silas and Stephen. So precious!!

These moments are what I live for!! 

So happy for a peaceful, relaxing day!! It was much needed. 

We are venturing back out into the world tomorrow. We have a meeting to fill out paperwork and discuss our US Consulate appointment on Wednesday. We will be meeting several other adoptive families as well that have spent the last week with their new kiddos! So excited for Silas to see some other families like us!

Bedtime went great as well. Now it's my turn! 

We will be back tomorrow with all new adventures!!

Day Five

We had a pretty low key day. We didn't want to get out in the crowds so we decided to make it a day at the hotel. We took the boys swimming. QiLong said it was his first time and he loved it. He is a brave little stinker, but figured out quickly what he liked and didn't like about the pool. He did great and was a natural swimmer. I'm so excited about that because I know swimming will be a great activity for him and his muscles. 

The pool was on the roof of the hotel! So cool!

My three fishies!

First time in!

He loved it from the very beginning.

 Keeping up with all three in the pool was hard work!

They were all three jumping in before long.

Mom and Dad only lasted about an hour, and these are the faces of two little ones who did not want to leave.

We had lunch at a restaurant near our hotel and came back for naptime. We had hoped they would go to sleep easily with all of the swimming, but it wasn't so easy.

Silas is beginning to really test his boundaries to figure out if we are going to stay or if we are going to go. He is actually really well behaved and listens very well. Except for certain times when most likely there is something bothering him and he just doesn't quite know how to communicate it to us yet. Unfortunately, we ended up having to let him throw his tantrum until he fell asleep on his own. We pulled out all the tools that we had used before to try to get him to calm down enough to talk to us so we could ask him questions. But nothing was working today, so we laid down with him and said you can cry if you want to, but we are all going to lay down together. We stayed right there with him until he finally drifted off. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. We've read all the books and we have been expecting moments like this, but when they happen, it's still just hard. 

It's easy in these situations to want to label our moments as successes or failures. And it's easy to doubt yourself and to doubt the child. It's sometimes even easy to sit and wonder, what have we done? Or even, I don't know if I can do this!

But through it all I am reminded of my relationship with God and how many times I have kicked and screamed and dug my heels in when he is lovingly telling me to do something I don't want to do. In that moment, I have to envision my life before my loving Father and ask myself "How would he treat me in this moment?" I have had toddlers throw tantrums before. This is nothing new. And as easy as it is to become frustration in a situation like that, the most important thing I can teach any of my children who are having a hard moment is love.

Unconditional love.

No matter what. I will.be.here.

"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.' So we may boldly say: 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.'" Hebrews 13:5-6

At the end of the day, if I can look back and say that I showed Silas and Stephen and Sean unconditional love, then I can call my day a success. The moments that create the day will change day by day, but the message I want them to hear loud and clear is "I love you, no matter what."

Once we finally got the little boys to sleep, Stephen and I went for a walk to the store. Oh my big, brave, sacrificing and selfless first born. He doesn't always want to consider other before himself, but this week especially, he has displayed wisdom beyond his years. He has been there with us through the crying, helping his youngest brother when Mom and Dad have to be hands on with the new brother. He has been patient, he has been kind and he has been so.grown.up. Oh my tears.

We wouldn't be here without him.

I love him so.

And then there is this little one. He has my whole heart. Every inch of it. He just squishes it in his hands and gives it back to me in a mushy pile and says "i yuv you mommy."

 I had to go to the bank before we could order dinner. Because #1, see Day 4 if you need a reminder of how many people there are out this weekend and #2 we discovered this AMAZING delivery company that will bring you food from pretty much anywhere that you want. So I took little S out for a walk to the bank. 

I haven't always done the best job of this with Stephen when Sean came along, but now that we have three I see it as all the more vitally important to spend special one on one time with each child. They all so desperately need to know that they are special, so important and so loved for who they are as individuals. 

Even a two year old.

 Especially a two year old that has had his role of center of our lives taken away overnight. He has been a rockstar. He loves his new brother something crazy and he looks up to him already. But I've seen it. I've seen it in the quiet way he watches Daddy carry Silas when we are out. I see it in the way he turns around every time he hears one of us say I love you. I've seen it in the way that he cries a little more than normal when it's time for bed and he has to choose if he lays down with Mommy or Daddy, instead of having both of us there. It's heartbreaking, really when I stop to think about how much his heart must be hurting at times.

But then I am reminded of what it was like when Sean was born and how Stephen had such a hard time. Even though he was older, he had been the only child for 7 years and he went through the same emotions. And now, you would never know it when you watch the two of them. They are best friends and he loves his brother fiercely. I reminded him of this yesterday on our walk and asked him if he could even imagine our life without Sean in it now. And he said, "No way!" I know that it will be the same with Silas. As hard as it is to add a new member of the family, either by adoption or by birth, in the end, it's SO worth it. There will come a day when we all look back and say we can't even fathom our life without Silas!!

Tonight, we knew we needed a new plan for bedtime and we also needed something special for bonding time. So we pulled out something that we had been saving for a time when serious intervention was needed. We had bought these for Gotcha Day based on a Youtube video that we had seen and thought it was such a great idea. But Gotcha day went so well, we didn't need them. So we decided to do it tonight. What is this magic you ask?

Glowsticks.

Oh yeah!

 

This one looks like a dragon!

 We all had so much fun in the dark with our glowsticks dancing to Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

(Yes, Jarred and Amanda, Justin has changed a lot over the years!! LOL!)

And thankfully it worked. Silas conked out as soon as he hit the pillow and Sean was out shortly after.

With a little bit of creativity. We will win the battle!!